


One Tin Soldier

by CassadyFlies



Category: No. 6 - All Media Types
Genre: Denial, Group Therapy, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-01-30 13:32:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12654537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: Four years after the fall of No. 6, Shion is trying to move on with his life. But does that mean giving up on the idea that Nezumi will ever return to him? Life is at a crossroads, and serious decisions must be made.





	1. Chapter 1

Progress is good. Consistency and reliability is good. The slow homogenization of a once sharply divided culture is good. Shion tried to keep these things in mind as he sat with a group of government employees in the breakroom of an office building, pretending to eat lunch. He wasn’t hungry, but he’d been skipping meals so frequently recently that people were starting to notice and make comments. Nothing too bad, just anodyne workplace small talk that he supposed he should appreciate. It was good to have a amicable social environment, after all. It was good to be friendly with people.

“My daughter is just going off the rails,” a woman complained to sympathetic murmurs from her coworkers. “She’s just turned thirteen, so her hormones are all ablaze. God help me, I can’t seem to get her under control. She argues against everything I say, she sneaks out to parties with her friends coming back sometimes as late as midnight. Lord give me strength, I don’t know what to do about it.”

“My daughter is just the same,” someone else commiserated enthusiastically. “She’s fifteen and has a boyfriend who’s eighteen. I keep telling her that’s too old, and I’m afraid he’ll take advantage of her, but she just won’t listen.”

Their voices grated like fingernails on a chalkboard. Shion stood quietly and left, unable to take it anymore. Back to his desk, back to work. He couldn’t listen, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t lend an ear to these miniscule “problems” anymore. He couldn’t listen to the slow burble of words out of their mouths like they had every second on earth to waste. He couldn’t sympathize with their genuine distress.

“Nose to the grindstone, eh?” One of his office mates smirked down at him. “You’ll work yourself to death.”

Shion forced a smile. “I love my job.”

“Workaholic, huh? Respect. Not me. Working for the weekend, so to speak. I was thinking about taking the old kayak down to the river, getting some exercise in.” He puffed out his chest like that was some major accomplishment. “How about you, you an outdoorsman?”

Shion wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Not really.” What did that even mean?

“Well, it’s been great weather for it recently. Temp in the mid seventies, clear skies for days. Although I wouldn’t say no to a little cloud coverage, keep the sunburn away.” He laughed like he’d told a fantastic joke. “Although the wife says she likes me tan. Well,  _ que sera sera _ I say. I’m content with whatever nature throws my way.”

“Yeah.” He had nothing to add to that.

“I’ll let you get back to work. Don’t give yourself a heart attack!” He laughed again and strolled away.

Shion shook himself. He felt so awkward talking to these people. He never had anything to add to their boring little stories. He couldn’t understand the random drama that would erupt over a missing sandwich in the fridge, or something else equally benign. It didn’t make any sense.

He stared blankly at his computer screen, feeling pointless. During the first year after the wall had fallen, there had been daily riots in the streets. Crime rates went through the roof, and it seemed every other day there was another homicide as guns poured into the city from the outside. Suicide rates skyrocketed as well, since for the first time people found themselves with access to drugs and bullets, quick solutions to a deeply broken psyche that had existed for years before. During the second year after the wall fell, tensions between Outsiders and Insiders were slowly repaired while scandals broke out on a near daily basis as old government secrets were leaked and conspirators were doxed. It had been a political hellscape, and Shion was overloaded with difficult problems to fix. During the third year after, things began to calm down as creative legislation helped to mitigate tensions and fix problems. It was a year of heady discussions and hard-fought battles for the minds of people in the new cultural landscape.

Now, four years after the fall, things were relatively stable. There were still some hot-button issues mainly over semantics that people loved to squabble over, but the main sources of misery and class divide had been mostly resolved and people were growing as a society. People were becoming vastly more open minded, and freedom of speech was a source of pride for the people of No. 6 who had never had such a luxury before.

Everything was pretty good. Everyone was mostly okay. And that’s why Shion was miserable. He felt horribly guilty admitting it to himself, but he had thrived in the chaos and now that it was over he missed it. He felt wasted mentally as his intellect was met with no sufficiently complex problem. Reality was, he had been so good at his job that he made himself obsolete.

Worse, and even the darkest part of his mind was loathe to admit it, he missed the violence. Now, stepping out into the street with absolute confidence that nothing bad would happen to him, he was bored. The bombs and the fire and the flashes of gunpowder that filled his nightmares were also a source of perverse beauty, and this new safe world couldn’t compete. In poverty and in war, life had made sense. Survive. Kill the bad guys. Fight for victory. Now, there was no clear enemy but his own mind, and no clear point to life at all. He was slipping into nihilistic depression, and he couldn’t see an end to the torture that was peacetime.

He was only twenty, and staring into the face of the future, he felt crushed by the weight of the sixty more years he probably had left to endure.

He stood up suddenly from his desk, feeling suffocated. He couldn’t breathe in the filtered air of this legislation factory that had him sending robotic emails to robotic people he didn’t know trying to effect positive change in a world that was the most perfect it had ever been. He was polishing a surface that already shone, and any further shine seemed like it would blind him.

He walked out the front door and onto the sidewalk, washed that morning so that it almost glowed white. He stepped into an auto and entered his home address. The driverless vehicles moved with well calculated precision, making traffic and traffic accidents a thing of the past. He stepped out right at his doorstep and stared at the brass number 102 nailed to his door that was otherwise identical to every other door on the block.

He couldn’t go inside. He didn’t want to see the way the robots had dusted and disinfected every surface while he was away. He didn’t want to see the hospital corners of his bedspread, folded with inhuman perfection. He didn’t want to think about the way robotics were progressing, rapidly outcompeting human labor in almost every market. The Keynesian era of leisure was approaching at terminal velocity, and they were already over-prepared with solutions and caveats to every new law passed. It wouldn’t even be a challenge to transition.

Shion didn’t have anywhere else to go, so he sat down on his doorstep and thought about nothing. He let his mind glaze over as he watched the clockwork city function independently of any human intervention.

“Hey.”

Shion blinked, snapping back to reality at the sound of the voice. “Oh, hey.” His next door neighbor, a quiet young man Shion had never really spoken to, was smiling awkwardly at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, hand hovering over his own doorknob.

“Yeah,” Shion lied dully.

“Are you locked out or something?” His dark hair fell over his eyes, casting a shadow in a way that made him look vaguely sleep deprived. His pale skin and slender physique helped that image along.

“No.” Shion stood. “Just…” He didn’t have the energy to finish his sentence.

“Um, I’ve been meaning to ask you, actually…” He shifted his weight uncomfortably. “Are you… are you the guy from TV four years ago? The one who…” He seemed nervous to actually say it.

“Yeah.” Shion nodded, sparing him.

“Right, I figured you must be. I’m Ny, by the way. I’ve lived next to you for two years, I don’t think I actually ever introduced myself.” He smiled briefly, then looked away.

“Shion,” Shion replied.

“Right. Yeah, I… I knew that.” His eyes widened slightly. “I mean, I’ve heard of you. You were… you’re… Uh, yeah.” He took a deep breath. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

Ny shifted back and forth. “Alright, see you around.” He disappeared inside before Shion could respond.

Shion stared at his neighbor’s closed door for a moment before sighing and sitting back down. That had been the most interesting interaction he’d had with another person in a while. How pathetic was that? He leaned his back against the door and tried to think of something to do. Somewhere to go. Anything to distract himself from the monotonous repetition that was his life. He had no ideas.

Closing his eyes, he imagined himself to be sixteen again, when everything was catastrophe and everything made sense. He laughed to himself. It _ made sense. _ His life had been absolutely ridiculous back then. He’d been falsely accused of murder and kicked out of a propaganda machine into the poverty-stricken streets of West block. He’d broken into a supercomputer full of bodiless brains in glass tubes, met the hologram of his dead best friend, and blown the whole thing up in an explosion of wasps that required the singing of an indigenous teenage drag queen to be appeased. Now, a government employee with an office job, he was complaining that nothing made sense anymore. What was wrong with him?

_ Pop pop bang _

With a gasp, Shion leapt to his feet thinking of gunfire. He ran forwards towards the street, searching for the source of the sound, heart leaping into his throat as he anticipated violence.

To his left, a robot was fixing a smoking lawnmower.

Right. There was never any violence anymore. Disappointed and full of adrenaline, he stormed inside, slamming the door behind him. It closed softly, programming disallowing the gesture.

Rage filled him from the ground up, overtaking his mind and leaving him feeling hollow. Why was everything so  _ good?  _ Irrationally furious, he grabbed a glass from his kitchen counter and threw it against the wall, where it shattered. Immediately, a cleaning robot was at the task, sweeping up the shards. Shion aimed a kick at the thing, sending it skittering across the floor. It just glided right back, not disturbed or offended. Shion screamed wordlessly at the top of his lungs, and the sound was absorbed by the walls without an echo. He felt like a child throwing a tantrum, but he didn’t care. He dropped face-down onto the floor, which was clean enough to eat off of. He wanted the walls to crumble. He wanted the air to ignite and the world to explode.  _ Why  _ was it so perfect? Was this the ultimate consequence of human intelligence? This quarantine of safety and civility? This painless, edgeless utopia where people were more concerned about hurting each other's feelings than with bombs and starvation?

Maybe Nezumi had the right idea to get as far away from this heavenly hell as possible.

Incredible sadness fell over Shion like a dense fog. Not only was he trapped in this prison of perfection, but he was absolutely alone in it. Nobody understood.  _ Nobody.  _ Not even the Outsiders who were adjusting to the new world alongside him,  _ nobody  _ had any idea the things he’d seen. The depths of human depravity and the heights of human narcissism and arrogance. The stark lack of empathy in the psychopathic ex-leaders of No. 6, nobody else had seen what he’d seen. He was isolated in the solitary confinement of his own experiences with nobody able to commiserate.

Ah. There it was. That old familiar feeling of apathy. It seemed he’d hit the limit of his ability to rage and cry, and that’s where the unfeeling took over. Quick as falling off a cliff. He wished he would. Why live? What was the point? He had no desire to take even one more breath.

Yet, breathe he did because the world didn’t care about his desires or his feelings. The universe didn’t care about him at all, and so cruelly kept him alive. Kept him thinking. He didn’t want to think.

Oh, there’s an idea. He pushed himself to his feet and shuffled over to the pantry where a row of half-empty bottles stood corked and waiting.

“Turn on a show I like,” he commanded of his house. Instantly, the TV switched on to play some rerun of a cartoon he’d seen a dozen times over. He snatched a bottle off the shelf and cradled it to his chest like a baby with a stuffed animal. Over to the couch and several shots later, stupidity was achieved. Just the way he liked it. The world made so much more sense when he was stupid.

Gradually, everything began to slip away. The edges of his vision hazed over, and one thought ceased to join with the next, leaving him in a scrambled, mindless stupor.

Every few moments, or perhaps hours, he gasped his way out of another nightmare tangled in tree branches and laced with wasp venom. Shaking with that adrenaline, reality was tolerable for another moment. Another shot of whatever brandless alcohol he was drinking. Then, the nightmare crept happily back, entwining briefly with reality before he slipped back into oblivion. Over and over until he lost the ability to tell dream from waking. Just the way he liked it. His perfect style of therapy, keeping him locked in the past while he struggled through the present. Better than any of the groups and psychiatrists his mother had begged him to try. Better than any of the antianxiety, antidepressant, and antipsychotic medications stacked on his bathroom shelves, doled out like candy by doctors who barely knew what they were doing. He didn’t take them as often as he was supposed to. Alcohol and terror were hands down the easiest, most reliable option to cure his painful boredom. So drink he did as cartoons shifted to documentaries and his eyes glazed over in blacked-out lack of understanding. Perfect, peaceful, zen.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you okay?”

Light forced its way beneath Shion’s eyelids, pulling him from a deep sleep. “Mm?” he moaned weakly, not entirely sure where he was.

“Can… can I get you anything? Water, aspirin… a doctor…”

Shion peeled his eyes open, squinting out at a familiar yet strange room. “Where ‘m I? What happened?”

“My house. I’m not sure what happened, but I was worried when I found you outside, so I brought you in. I guess you don’t remember.”

Gradually, Shion’s eyes adjusted and he found himself looking into the eyes of his neighbor, Ny. The one he’d met earlier. Or, perhaps yesterday. He wasn’t sure what time it was. “Oh, you’re…”

“Ny. We… we talked yesterday?” The poor boy looked terrified.

Yesterday. Shion blinked, putting together what must have happened. “I’m sorry.” He stood gingerly and headed for the door.

“Hey,” Ny called out after him.

Shion turned around.

Ny looked away awkwardly. “Um… I know it’s none of my business, but… Sorry, nevermind.”

Shion shrugged, turning back towards the door.

“There’s help, you know,” Ny blurted out. “For soldiers.”

Right. Shion nodded, and opened the door. “Thanks.” He knew the program Ny was talking about. It had been barely more than a token gesture of compassion for the soldiers of the illegal military of No. 6 who defected when the wall fell. Shion had no desire to go there. It was full of horrible people who had done horrible things. The people from the manhunt- people who had tried to kill him- were all there complaining about how traumatic it had been  _ for them.  _ It was sick.

Shion shut the door behind him and squinted at the bright, outside world. He needed to go to work, he was probably already very late. On the other hand, nausea reigned supreme, so he wound up flopping down on his couch with a ginger ale and a bag of potato chips. Maybe later he’d try to go in, make some excuse. It’s not like he was hourly. Nobody really cared, it’s just that they would ask questions he didn’t want to answer.

It was pretty embarrassing that he’d blacked out in public. He’d never done that before. Why had he gone outside? Hadn’t he been lying on the couch? His head hurt too much to try and think about it. He wasn’t even certain why he’d started drinking. Something about work being boring…

He had several messages from his mother on his receiver. Dread spiked briefly in his heart where it quickly died of pure apathy. If he’d said something strange to his mother when he was drunk, then the damage was done. He’d deal with it when he no longer felt like puking.

The program for soldiers… Shion scoffed. It was meaningless. Those people had never known real violence the way he had. They had only ever been the perpetrators, safe in their armored tanks. What did they know of war with their clean-soled boots? Nothing. Maybe it would be nice to talk to someone. Someone who understood. But that was nobody Shion knew. Nobody had seen anything close to the things he’d seen. Well, one person. But nobody who was still in the city.

Maybe once Nezumi came back things would be better. Things would feel normal again. Shion was so alone in all of this, maybe just the presence of someone who understood would be enough to make him feel sane.

Feeling sorry for himself, he clambered gingerly to his feet and shuffled off towards the bathroom. Maybe he could medicate the hangover away. He avoided looking in the mirror, not wanting to deal with all the dredged up baggage that came with seeing his own reflection. Everything he was seemed to be little more than a reminder of all the horrible things that had happened to him. The scar around his body, the bullet wounds peppering his melanin-free skin, his translucent hair that was tangled and longer than it should be due to neglect, and those violet eyes that were now shaded dark from his borderline alcoholism. Every detail of his face was a reminder that he was a survivor, and as much as Nezumi had praised such a title, Shion was growing to hate it more and more every day.

He scratched his fingers through his hair. “I need to shower.” At his word, the shower switched on and began to heat up. Shion scowled at it, frustrated by the simplicity of everything. There was nothing to do anymore. No chores to be done, no benign maintenance to distract himself with. “Stop it.” The shower shut off instantly. He sighed. He  _ did _ need to shower, though. Shaking off his unnecessary annoyance, he pulled off his shirt and muttered, “Okay, turn the shower on.”

He checked the corners for mice. It was something he’d gotten in the habit of doing, and never seemed able to stop. He was pretty paranoid about cameras in general, ever since he’d been arrested for political dissent. Even though he was now a high-ranking official in the new government, he couldn’t shake the feeling that people were always watching him. And who knew? Maybe they were. Apparently Nezumi had been watching him for years without Shion noticing.

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength…” he muttered to himself, half wishing he was back in the old No. 6 just so he’d have something to fight against. He read 1984 when he was feeling particularly nostalgic.

Shion stepped under the hot water, trying to make his muscles relax as he fought back his gag reflex. He really must have been quite drunk. Shame cut slightly back by nihilism flushed his cheeks. What sort of a person was he turning into? He barely recognized his own memories of himself from before everything had fallen apart. He barely recognized the person he’d been in West Block. Maybe this is what Nezumi had been so afraid of. That he’d turn into this. This depressing, drunken mess that hated everything and scowled at sunshine.

If Nezumi really did have cameras on him, he’d probably never return. If he’d seen what Shion had become, he’d probably turn the cameras off and quietly slip away into the realms of Shion’s past, removing himself entirely from Shion’s future.

Shion blinked in surprise as nausea overwhelmed him and he coughed violently, bending over at the waist to finally vomit on the shower floor. “I know I’m not that airheaded kid anymore,” he spoke aloud to the probably imagined cameras as he struggled to stay on his feet. “I’m sorry I let myself turn into this. I’m not as strong as you, it seems.” He wiped his face and rinsed his mouth out, disgusted. “I wonder if you could still even stand to look at me.” Probably not. Shion couldn’t even stand to look at himself. “I don’t even look in the mirror anymore,” he confessed. “I’m an embarrassment.” Frustrated tears rolled down his cheeks before he could stop them, mixing with the water from the shower and running down the drain. “I’m just so alone in this, and I wish you were here. Not now, not when I’m like this, but I wish… I just wish I wasn’t so lonely. I don’t even need you, I just need… I don’t know.” He scanned the shower desperately, half hoping there actually were cameras around. Maybe he just couldn’t see them. He was never sure. “I don’t want to burden my mother with these problems, she’s already so worried about me. I want someone who understands. Like you. Or not you, but someone. Someone who can yell at me and tell me how stupid and childish I’m being. Not these people. They just feel sorry for me. You wouldn’t feel sorry for me. Because you’re better than me, right? That’s the lesson I learned. I think I need to hear it again.” He looked down at his overly-thin form. He hadn’t been eating properly. “I look awful. I feel awful. And nobody will tell me so. They just keep babbling about their kids and their hobbies, and whenever I falter in conversation, whenever I go over the edge, people are there to tell me it’s not my fault. That it’s war, and this is what happens to soldiers. Well, how is that helpful?!” He slammed the side of his fist into the shower wall. “It’s useless to tell me it’s not my fault. It’s useless to tell me it happens to lots of people. How does that help me fix anything? It just enables me. And I let it. Besides, I was  _ never  _ a soldier. I was a terrorist. So were you. We committed treason, we did a coup. Was it worth it? I think so, but there’s debate to be had! We were not peaceful protesters! And nobody will take the other side, they’re all too afraid of hurting my feelings. My feelings aren’t hurt, they’re broken! They’re beyond pain, beyond repair. Why won’t anyone tell me to suck it up and move on?” He sniffed, hating himself for his own hypocrisy. “And here I am, telling myself I need to move on as I cry about my problems to a ghost from my past. It’s been four years, for all I know you’re dead.” The idea whipped his tortured soul like bitter wind. “I just want to be… not this anymore.”

The room around him was still and empty, so he finished showering in embarrassed silence.

Maybe he really did need to move on. What would that even mean? He didn’t know where to begin. If moving on meant accepting his current, boring life in office block city, he didn’t want to. If it meant quitting drinking and facing the world head on, he wasn’t sure how to. If it meant giving up on Nezumi… that was a thought he didn’t usually entertain. What would his life be like? Who would he pursue? He wasn’t even sure if he liked guys or girls, he’d been so wrapped up in one particular person. Still, the idea that he might be alone forever if he continued to wait was terrifying. He didn’t want to be alone. Didn’t want to die, old and scared, in some nursing home bed where nobody would ever visit him. Ever care that he was gone.

Nezumi had to come back. Because the only other option was loneliness. Nobody else would be able to deal with him, that much Shion was sure of.

There was no help for people like him. There was no one to turn to. And that’s why he was like this. That’s why things had gotten so bad.

Shion shut off the water, frustration eating through his veins. He towelled off and pulled on an old robe to sit in front of the TV. He wasn’t going to get to work today, he could tell. Let them fire him, see if he cared. They wouldn’t though, not after all he had done for the city. He was effectively the president. The advisor to everyone, and the head of city planning. They wouldn’t dare recall him.

A hesitant knock on the door distracted Shion from whatever TV show he had been ignoring. He shuffled over and opened it, surprised to see Ny standing with a pair of shoes in hand.

“You… you left these.”

Shion nodded, taking the shoes. “Thanks.” He almost shut the door, then decided that would be rude. “Um… and I’m sorry. About whatever I did.”

Ny shook his head. “It’s no bother. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Shion wasn’t entirely certain what that meant, but he let it go. “Alright. But I… I’m sorry this is how we had to meet.”

Ny smiled. “Hey, you left an impression, didn’t you? Better than being completely meek.” His eyes lit up. “Oh! I made this for you.” He pulled a plastic bag full of teabags from his pocket. “I blend teas. I grow different plants and… I just thought this might, um… help.”

Shion took the gift hesitantly. “Oh. Thanks. That’s very considerate.”

“Just steep it in hot water for five minutes,” Ny instructed nervously. “I mean… you know how tea works. Duh.” He looked away, seemingly embarrassed. “Anyways, have a good rest of your day, Shion. I hope you don’t feel badly, last night was definitely entertaining. I’d have been alone watching TV, but you were way more fun to talk to.”

Shion frowned, wishing he had a better recollection of the night before. “Right. Thanks, Ny.”

“Any time.” Ny waved as Shion shut the door.

What a strange person. He was so chipper, it was fascinating. Shion shuffled off to his kitchen to prepare some hot water. Might as well give the odd kid’s gift a try.

As the water boiled, he struggled to remember what had happened the night before. Thinking about it, he did vaguely remember going outside. Something about the stars, hadn’t it been? He’d been staring at the constellations. He still wasn’t sure where Ny came in. Ah, well. Maybe it would come back to him.

He poured the boiling water over the tea bag, watching the dark color leech out in swirling tendrils until the whole mug was a homogenous brown.

It tasted good. Warm and right in his stomach, gentle and comforting on his tongue. Soon, his headache was almost completely gone, and he didn’t feel nauseous anymore. He’d have to thank Ny when he got the chance.

Maybe that’s all Shion needed. A nice mug of tea. Maybe something so simple could keep the nightmares at bay, keep the racing thoughts at a tolerable pace. Maybe it could heal his soul in the way it healed his hangover. That would be a nice solution.

Shion sat down at the dinner table, watching the steam from his mug float away into the cool air of his house. Maybe all his problems could be whisked away like steam if only he could move on in the right way.

If only he could figure out what the right way was.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The messages from his mother on his receiver. He forgot about them until the next morning before work. Sighing, he fixed his tie and nodded. “Okay, play the messages.”

“Shion, baby,” his mother’s worried voice spoke. “Please pick up. I know it’s rough right now, but I’m so worried about you. Please call me back.” The message shut off. After a beep, another message played. “Hi, sweetheart, it’s Mom. I just stopped by your house to check on you, but you weren’t there. If you get this message, just know that it’s all okay, you’re safe, nothing bad is going to happen. Please tell me where you are. I love you. Call me back.” A beep, and another message. “Okay, sweety. I found you with your neighbor. I’m guessing you won’t remember, so I’m leaving you this message. Please consider signing up for the PTSD program at the hospital. I know you think they won’t understand, and maybe they won’t, but if you would just give it a try it would mean a lot to me. You have a very kind neighbor, and he seems worried about you too. Everybody cares about you, and we just want you to be happy. You don’t have to call me back.” After the beep, Shion figured that was the end of it, but one more played. “I gave your information to the program we talked about. They should be sending you an information packet. Check outside your door.” A final beep, and the receiver went silent.

Shion shook his head, sighing. It was so stupid. He didn’t need to talk about his problems, that’s exactly the sort of thing he hated in other people. He picked up his work stuff and headed out the door. Sure enough, there was a folder of paperwork on his doormat. He picked it up, annoyed.

“Oh, good morning.” Ny was sitting on his front porch, folding tea bags. “Off to work?”

“Mhm.” Shion looked around for a trashcan to toss the papers from the hospital into. It was trash day, so they had all driven off to the recycling plant.

“Is that the info from the PTSD clinic?” Ny asked, nodding at the packet.

“...Yeah.” Shion stuck it under his arm, figuring he’d throw it away at work. “How’d you know?”

“Oh, your mom had me send it to you,” he said like that was completely normal.

Shion groaned internally. How embarrassing. “Right. She told me you met.” And they had apparently discussed Shion’s private issues. He supposed he’d given them no choice. From what he was piecing together, he’d run outside blackout drunk, not sure where he was. Ny had taken him inside, and that’s where Karan had found him. She’d probably had no choice but to explain everything.

“She was very nice. Understanding.” Ny turned back to his work, a strange look in his eye. “She’s not mad at you or anything.”

Shion nodded. “That’s good,” he said awkwardly, not knowing what else to do. “Well… I’m off to work.”

“Oh, hey!” Ny stood up. “Some of the neighbors are having a barbeque in the park later tonight. Around seven. Do you wanna come?”

Not at all. Shion shrugged. “Maybe. See you later.” An auto pulled up, and he climbed inside.

“Later!” Ny smiled broadly as the auto pulled away, scanning the information from the chip in Shion’s hand and extrapolating where he needed to go.

Shion leaned back against the temperature-regulated seat of the auto, staring at the information packet. It was such a frustrating program. He’d sort of helped create it, so he knew something about it. Not details, but he knew it was for soldiers who had defected. Not all of them had. Under threat of incarceration, they had been given the option to pledge allegiance to the new city and undergo re-education. Shion had fought against that, uncomfortable with the idea of anyone pledging allegiance to any city. It felt too much like the old No. 6. Not to mention ‘re-education’ was just propaganda. But only corrupt politicians and military had been forced to do it, so it wasn’t a big enough controversy for Shion to continue fighting over it. He’d let it slide, biting his tongue.

He flipped open the information packet and stared blankly down at the smiling faces of models who were supposed to represent cured soldiers. Shion shook his head slowly. Of course those soldiers could be cured. They were the ones doing the evil. What did they have to be afraid of? Clearly they didn’t have feelings, otherwise they never would have done what they did. Shion couldn’t imagine sitting in a room with them, listening to their sob stories and telling his own. How would they react to him? One of the people they’d tried to kill, sitting in their presence. They’d probably hate him.

The program was probably little more than re-education anyways. Just another distribution method for the new city’s propaganda machine. It was disgusting.

The auto pulled up in front of his building, and Shion stepped out. The sight of that boring, grey office box compressed his shoulders and made him feel sleepy.  _ Here we go again,  _ he thought to himself as he trudged unhappily inside.

“Shion, man, how you been?” Kayak man smiled too brightly as Shion walked through the door. “I’ve been great, myself. Caught me some nice rapids, a real workout. Were you sick yesterday, or just sneaking in some time for yourself?”

Shion opened his mouth to reply, but kayak man interrupted him before he could begin.

“Either way must be nice to have a day off. But that’s the rat race, isn’t it? Gotta keep your head down, get the work done. Gotta keep on keepin’ on, am I right? Golly.” He laughed fakely and folded his arms. “What have you got on your plate today? Looks like some paper work. Boy, I swear I haven’t seen a real piece of paper in years. They got you doing admin?” He didn’t wait for Shion to answer. “Nah, not you. Not the head of city planning, they’ll have the peons be doing that stuff. Well, have a super day, man, it’s a nice one out there.”

“Yeah. You too.” Shion edged away quickly and escaped to his desk. He knew he should be more friendly towards his coworkers. They were nice people, they were just… dull. This whole place was dull. His life used to be so… variant. Now he just felt trapped with no way to climb out.

He remembered climbing out of a real pit. The horrors of seeing hundreds, thousands of dead bodies stacked to the ceiling like garbage at a dump. The chill of the room, the moans of the dying amongst the dead. And how many more had once been inside that giant incinerator? They burned the bodies regularly. That meant potentially millions of people had been baked to ash in a giant oven. He had so nearly been one of them. What had become of the site now? Was the rubble still in place where they had left it burning? In Shion’s head, it still smoldered. It was still cremating the brain of his dead best friend. In reality it must be cold, but Shion couldn’t picture it. In reality, maybe it had been cleaned up. Maybe something new was in its place. Who knew? Shion didn’t want to look into it. Didn’t want to see the scars of the holocaust that had taken his friend. Taken the family and tribe of his-

“Shion?” Someone tapped him on the shoulder and Shion jumped in surprise. “Are you okay?”

Shion blinked, realising he was crying. He wiped his cheeks hastily, looking away. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s just you’ve been sitting frozen for something like five minutes. You weren’t responding. Are you sure you’re okay?” The head of HR. That’s who she was.

Shion nodded firmly. “I’m fine. Really.”

She stared at him in doubtful silence for a long moment. “Why don’t you see me in my office?” It was a command, not a request.

“I’m really fine, I’m sorry, I’m just-” He didn’t have an end to that sentence. “I’m fine.”

“Come with me.” She walked off towards her office.

Sighing, Shion stood to follow her. His coworkers nervously averted their eyes as he passed, none of them knowing how to respond to such a situation.

She gestured to a seat in front of her desk, and sat down on the other side. “So. Care to explain what just happened?”

Shion sat down, swallowing roughly. “Um…”  _ No, not really.  _ “I’m just feeling a bit under the weather.”

“Is that so?” She typed a few things into her computer, and opened a drawer beneath her desk to withdraw a familiar-looking folder. “Well, good thing this illness has a cure.”

Shion took the folder. “The PTSD clinic. You think I have PTSD?” Everyone kept saying that. It was probably true, but what good did it do to put a name to it? He didn’t want a diagnosis.

“I think you have some issues you need to resolve in order to be your best self.”

Shion tried not to roll his eyes. “I don’t need this clinic.” He handed her back the folder.

She refused to take it. “I think you do.”

He put the papers on her desk and stood to leave. “Someone already gave me this folder.”

“Go to one meeting. I don’t want to have to force you.”  _ But I will. _

Shion understood the subtext. “I really don’t think it’s necessary.”

“Clearly the people around you think it is.” She stood as well. “Go home for today. Go to tonight’s meeting, and come in tomorrow with a signature from the instructor.”  _ Or don’t come in at all. _

Shion heard that loud and clear. “I don’t need to go home.”

“You misunderstand. I’m telling you to go home. Just like I’m telling you to go to this meeting.” Her tone was firm.

_ She thinks I can’t work if I don’t get better.  _ “It won’t happen again. I’ll stay focussed.”

“Why did you miss work yesterday, Shion?”

He struggled not to sigh. “I was sick.”

“So help yourself get better.” She crossed her arms. “End of discussion.”

Shion hesitated, debating whether or not to fight back. In the end, he gave up and walked silently out of the room. His coworkers looked away again as he walked back to his desk, picked up his things, and left.

What was he supposed to do for the rest of the day? He scowled to himself as he caught an auto home. Just sit on the couch and watch TV? That seemed almost more depressing than being at work.

“Oh, you’re back. Forget something?” Ny was still sitting on his porch, folding tea bags.

“No.” Shion didn’t want to explain. “What are you doing?” He changed the subject.

“Making tea bags. I’ve got this new blend I want to try out at the market this Saturday, so I’m making bags in a color that will draw the eye.” He held up the blue mesh he was working with. “Hopefully people will like it.” He lit up. “Wanna try it?” He reached for a tea pot sitting on the bench behind him, and poured Shion a small cup without waiting for an answer.

Shion set down his things on his own porch and took the offered cup. The tea tasted like cinnamon, but with something faintly sweet beneath it. Like fall.

“It’s apple pie flavored.” Ny grinned. “What do you think?”

“It’s good.” Shion handed him back the empty cup. “So, you sell at the farmers markets?”

“Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. Back when I was living in South Block, there wasn’t much demand for fancy flavors of teas. We mostly just sold green, black, and white. But now I can be creative and do pretty much anything I want.” He continued to fold tea bags with near robotic speed as he spoke. “If you want to stop by sometime, I’ll give you as many free samples as you want.”

Shion tried to smile. “Yeah, maybe I will.”

“So, what are you doing home?”

Damnit. “Oh. Um, I wasn’t feeling well.”

“That’s too bad.” Ny frowned sympathetically. “What’s wrong? I have tea for everything.”

Shion shrugged. “Just not feeling like myself, I guess.”

Ny was quiet for a moment. Shion got the feeling he was being read. “Alright. Hold on just a second.” He darted into his house, returning swiftly with a small packet of tea. “This will be good right before you go to bed. It makes you sleep without dreams.”

Shion was skeptical, but grateful anyway. It would be nice to have a solid night’s sleep without waking up to nightmares and panic attacks. “Thank you.”

“Any time. Feel better.” Ny returned to his work, and Shion picked up his things and went inside.

He was not looking forward to going to the meeting that night, but he figured he could just sit quietly and ignore everything. Then, he could return to work in the morning with a signed note and explain how it didn’t work for him.

He turned the packet of tea over in his hands, inspecting the delicate drawing of a dog with a leaf in its mouth on the paper tab. Ny seemed like a good person. If only they hadn’t met in such awkward circumstances, maybe they could even have been friends. Shion didn’t have any friends at the moment. He couldn’t tolerate conversation long enough to form lasting relationships.

He flopped down on the couch and set an alarm to leave that afternoon. Time ticked on as slowly as it always did, and Shion ignored the babbling TV for the rest of the day with nothing to do but stare at the walls that breathed slightly in his sleep-deprived vision. He didn’t want to fall asleep. Didn’t want to dream. He shut off his thoughts and let the shrill voices of television actors numb his ears until everything seemed quiet.

Like meditation. The closest thing to peaceful sleep he could experience anymore.

Maybe he did need help.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The alarm to leave for the PTSD clinic jolted Shion out of the stupor he sat in, staring at some rerun of a show he didn’t care about.

Sighing, he pushed himself to his feet and shuffled outside to catch an auto. Thankfully, Ny wasn’t on the porch anymore. Shion didn’t want to explain where he was going.

The hospital was a broad building that was six floors high, but seemed shorter due to its immense width. Shion walked through the sliding front doors into the lemon scented lobby nervously. He hoped he wouldn’t recognize anyone.

“Can I help you?” A bored looking man was working at the front desk.

“I’m… um, I’m looking for the… the PTSD clinic,” Shion said in barely more than a whisper.

“Speak up, can’t hear you.”

“The PTSD clinic,” Shion said a bit louder, blushing. “Where do I go?”

“Oh.” The man scanned him up and down. “Second floor. There will be a sign.”

“Thanks.” Shion headed towards the elevator and followed the man’s instructions. Sure enough, a group of people were sitting in a stereotypical circle of chairs in a room just left of the elevators on the second floor. They were drinking coffee and chatting quietly as they waited for everyone to show up.

They all stared at Shion when he walked in. Shion figured they must recognize him. They must already hate him, then. He took a seat as far away from everyone else as possible.

It was a few more minutes before everyone arrived, and the session began.

“Alright, everyone.” The instructor clapped her hands and leaned forwards in her seat. “Let’s get started. Looks like we have a new member with us today, why don’t you introduce yourself?” Everyone stared at Shion.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Um… Hi. Shion. I’m… from the thing. You know.”

A few people nodded.

“The thing?” the instructor prompted.

“The…” Shion wasn’t sure whether she knew and just wanted him to say it, or if she actually didn’t recognize him. “The wall. Four years ago, I…”

“Yes?”

So she did just want him to say it. “I tore it down.”

“Welcome, Shion.” The rest of the people echoed the welcome. “Well, Shion, let me tell you how things work around here. We start with stories about our week, how things went, then we have some time for stories from the past, then we tell stories about the future to wrap things up. Sound good?”

Shion nodded mutely.

“Alright, good. Who wants to start?”

A man raised his hand. “Hi, I’m Gou. I had a better week than last week. Only blanked out maybe once or twice. But it happened in front of my daughter. I scared her. She saw me just sitting, frozen, and she started to cry. My wife explained to her that sometimes Daddy just needs to think, but I feel weak when I can’t hold myself together even in front of my five year old.”

“Thank you, Gou. It sounds like you have a very understanding wife who is raising a very understanding daughter. That’s very good. Next?”

Another man raised his hand. “I’m Akio. This week was rough. I haven’t been sleeping. The nightmares only seem like they’re getting worse. I’m getting sick all the time and my health is going down the toilet. I don’t know why things are getting worse, but they are. I don’t know when it’s ever going to get better again.”

“Thank you, Akio. Sometimes we go through periods of hardship, even years after the thing that hurt us. I would challenge you to take a look at what’s going on in your life right now, if there are any extra stressors, any changes going on that might be the cause of the extra anxiety. Maybe. Maybe not. But I think it will be helpful either way for you to do a bit of analysis. Next?”

Shion tuned out. It was frustrating. All these people talking about the same things he was going through, but they couldn’t have seen what he’d seen. They couldn’t have been through the same level of horror. So what were they doing feeling the way they did? If this group was for weak people, then Shion didn’t want anything to do with it. He didn’t want to be weak like that. He already felt weak enough.

“Shion?”

He blinked, snapping out of his reverie. “Hmm?”

“How was your week?”

“Oh. I… it was fine.”

“So what brought you here?”

He shifted in his seat anxiously. “I… My work made me come. I sort of… tuned out. During work. They got worried, and here I am.”

“Explain what happened when you ‘tuned out.’ What were you doing? Thinking?” She smiled warmly.

Shion cleared his throat. “I was at my desk. Sitting. And I was thinking about… the past. Things that happened.” Tears prickled his eyes as he remembered. “Horrible things. And I was sort of frozen. Sitting there, remembering. My friends. Ones who died, ones who left. What was done to them.”  _ By you all,  _ he added in his head.

“I think that’s a good segue to our next section. Tell me about what happened to your friends.”

Shion clenched his jaw. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to. Just know that everyone here has experienced similar things. Nobody will judge you.”

Shion snapped.  _ “None  _ of you experienced what I did!” He was standing. He didn’t remember standing up. “You were the ones who did it to them, I’m judging  _ you!  _ That giant furnace full of dead people you all dumped in from the backs of trucks, I was one of them. And I survived, but she didn’t. I climbed out on the backs of those who had been left for dead before me, and the only person who can understand what I went through  _ left  _ me the very next day. I have no idea where he is, maybe he’s dead. Maybe he’s never coming back. I’m alone in all of this, and maybe he is too. Maybe he feels all of this as well, but I doubt it. Because he’s stronger than I am. And I’m stronger than you all are.”

The room was deathly silent. After a long, awkward moment, one man spoke up. “Can I speak?”

“Go ahead.” The instructor nodded.

He looked right at Shion. “I was one of the people who did the manhunts. I killed hundreds, pointing a sonic cannon and wiping them out like the slime we were told they were. But I never believed it. I don’t think any of us who defected believed it. We knew they were human, and we did it anyways. Because we were No. 6. We were soldiers, and that’s what we were told to do, without being given a choice. Now- I’m not defending what was done. But you have to understand that we were not the ones making the decisions. Even so, the deaths that are on my hands haunt me to this day. I stay awake at night, same as you, remembering the look in the eyes of a young woman I killed. I remember the way buildings fell at the push of a button. I have dreams where my arms are robotic, and they slam down on that button over and over, killing thousands before my eyes without my say so. I’m frozen, out of control of my arms as they do that evil work. I will never be free of what I did, but I have learned to accept that the past is the past and all I can do is work to change my future. I’m so sorry for what happened to your friend, but if you blame us then your anger is misplaced. Forgive me, I know who you are already. I know you already killed the ones who murdered your friend. And you must resent the foot soldiers who enabled it. And it must hurt how that singer boy ran away. But accusing us of not understanding does nothing to bring him back. We may not have experienced the same side of the war, but wounds scar the same. We can understand your present, if not your past.”

Shion sat down heavily, saying nothing. The circle continued to tell stories from the battlefield, and Shion tried not to listen. It hurt too much to have empathy for these people. Instead, he thought about Nezumi. About how badly it  _ had  _ hurt when he left. About the future they could potentially have, and about the present they couldn’t. Why hadn’t he come back? Was he really dead? Did he just not care? Or maybe, like Shion, was he too broken to show his face? A letter might be nice. What was Shion supposed to do in the meantime? What did Nezumi expect from him? Was he supposed to wait forever?

“What do you think about the future, Shion? What does it hold for you?”

“I don’t think he’s coming back,” Shion blurted out before he could stop himself. “Ever.”

“So what are you going to do instead?”

Shion tried to respond, but he couldn’t find an answer.

“Well, that’s our time. I’ll see you all next week.”

Shion stood, feeling numb. The instructor pressed a piece of paper into his hands.

“Here’s your form signed.”

“Thanks…” Shion barely whispered before walking out. He felt empty. That was the first time he’d ever voiced the idea that Nezumi might not return. That was the first time he’d really thought it. He felt… lighter, somehow. Crushed, but lighter. He climbed into an auto and went home, exhausted.

“Oh, hello! Coming to the barbeque?” Ny was standing outside on his porch with a pitcher full of tea in his hands.

“Oh. You know, I’m sort of tired. I might just go to bed.” Shion headed for the door.

“Nonsense!” Ny stopped him. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Plus, there’s good food.”

Food did sound nice. He didn’t really have anything in his fridge at the moment. Shion sighed. “Maybe for a minute.”

“Great! I’m so glad I’ll have someone I know.”

_ Someone I know.  _ Shion would hardly say they knew each other. They didn’t even speak to each other as they walked along the sidewalk to the park, where their neighbors were grilling meat and vegetables. There was also a large ice chest full of beer and cider, which Shion was grateful for. That would make this all a little easier, plus he could use a drink after the day he’d had.

Two beers in, he felt a bit better. Ny was right along with him, and apparently could only handle about one and a half beers before he got  _ extremely  _ chatty.

“My mom always wanted to live in No. 6. We put our names in the immigration lottery every time, but we never got picked. I liked South Block. I didn’t see why we should be moving to No. 6. It’s  _ great  _ now, though. I have my own house. Well, half-house. You live on the other side. But I have  _ great  _ neighbors. Really nice people. I like you, Shion. You seem fun. You probably don’t remember, but it was actually really fun when you came over to my house the other night. I liked talking to you. You told interesting stories. Nezumi seems like a  _ dick.  _ Oh, sorry. Wow, I should stop talking. But he seems  _ mean.  _ Abusive. Crazy.”

Shion grabbed another beer and drained it as quickly as he could.

Ny looked impressed, then quickly sad. “Are you drinking because you don’t want to be here? Am I talking too much? Sorry, I’m not a big drinker. I prefer tea. I  _ love  _ tea, can’t you tell? It cures everything. Common cold, hang over, headache, sore throat, sadness, upset stomach, low energy,  _ everything.  _ Tea is great. Back in South Block there was this older boy who grew the best tea. He was so pretty. He had dark skin, and his fingers were always stained even darker from the tea leaves. I always followed him around. Like a duckling. I think he got annoyed by me, because I was too young to be helpful. I probably just got in the way. But he never said anything. He was nice. You’re nice.”

Shion raised an eyebrow. What a strange, talkative person.

“How come you look like that? Oh wow, what a blunt thing to say. I’m sorry. It’s just with your hair and eyes and scar… I dunno, you look like a beautiful woodland spirit. Oh man, I think I’m done.” He set down his half-empty beer, flushing deep red. “I’m talking way too much, I can tell. Did you go to the clinic today?”

Shion nodded.

“Oh, so  _ that’s  _ where you were. Gotcha. How was it? Not stupid, I hope.”

Shion shrugged.

“Think you’ll go back?”

“If they make me.” It honestly hadn’t been quite as bad as he’d expected. He had thought it would be more talkative, with overly sweet affirmations of feelings as people indulged in their victimhood. But it wasn’t that bad. Just unnecessary.

“You know, I went through some rough times in South Block,” Ny said thoughtfully. “Nothing like you, but it wasn’t easy. It’s not as bad as West Block, but you know. Not as good as No. 6. 

“So when I got here I felt guilty. Because I didn’t feel like I deserved this. I didn’t fight for it, I didn’t earn any of the things I have now. Not in the same way that I earned what I had in South Block. Everything is easy here, whereas there it was all hard fought. So it was difficult to adjust. It took me forever to realize you could wait for the shower to get hot before you stepped under it. That you can eat slowly. That you don’t have to sleep with knives next to you. Little things, you know? But I got used to it. Now I realize that this isn’t just luxury, it’s how things should be. I realize that South Block wasn’t what should be normal. I’m not overindulgent here, I was just deprived back there. Does that make sense?”

Shion nodded.

“But that was hard. I felt bad about being happy. I didn’t want to adjust to No. 6 because in the back of my mind I thought one day I’d be back in South Block. I didn’t want to become soft and compliant. But in my desire to remain vigilant and tough, I was also suppressing my human need for safety and stability. And that’s not good. So I came to the conclusion that all things pass. South Block, No. 6, people, friends, family, everything. You can’t hold on forever to things that belong to history. You need to move on.”

Something painful struck Shion’s heart, and he found himself speaking before he thought. “You remind me of me. How I was. How I should be.”

Ny smiled. “That’s a great compliment.”

Shion wanted to cry. “And I remind me of him. How he was and how he isn’t around anymore. It’s like I’m mirroring his personality, and I hate that because it’s such a perverted image. I said today for the first time, I don’t think he’s coming back. I’ve never said that before. It feels like a betrayal.”

Ny looked sad. He shook his head. “You’re not the one betraying anyone here, Shion. He was the one who left.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but something deeply buried stirred in Shion’s heart with that affirmation. He blinked rapidly, trying not to let the sudden tears in his eyes breach the perimeter.

“You know, you seem cool. You’re an interesting person. I’m so boring, you know? That’s not fishing, it’s just true. But I like listening to your stories, you do cool things. You’re like the mysterious loner kid everyone had a crush on growing up.”

What kind of impression had Shion made the other night? “I’m really not.” He’d been more of the nerdy kid nobody talked to, hadn’t he? That’s how he’d always thought of himself.

“No, you are. To me, at least. It’s fascinating.” Ny looked away, smiling to himself. “I’m glad you came out tonight.”

Oh. It finally clicked. Ny was flirting with him. Anxiety squeezed Shion’s chest and he took a step away. “A-actually, I think I might go home.”

“Go home?” Ny looked disappointed. “We haven’t eaten yet.”

“I’m just feeling a bit…” He searched for an excuse and found none.

Ny nodded understandingly. “Okay. I’ll walk you back.”

“I-it’s fine!” Shion assured. “You stay here, enjoy the party. I- I need to be alone for a bit. Sorry. I- Sorry.” He turned and strode away as quickly as he could without seeming rude.

He wasn’t used to being flirted with. He wasn’t used to rejecting people. He wasn’t sure how to do it. Especially someone he barely knew. It was weird, right? It seemed strange. He felt bad about leaving. He was sure he’d hurt Ny’s feelings in some way. Maybe he could blame it on the PTSD. Say he’d just had an episode and needed to be alone. Although, that meant admitting he  _ was  _ having symptoms of PTSD, and he didn’t want to have to do that. He was ambivalent enough about group therapy, he didn’t want to bring this into his personal life.

His hands were shaking. He tried to take a steadying breath, and his voice trembled in a pathetic-sounding moan. Why was this affecting him so much? He’d only had three beers, it’s not like he was over the edge. What if Nezumi had seen? What if the cameras had picked all of that up and he was somewhere off in the forest laughing to himself about how much of an immature, ignorant baby Shion was? That would be humiliating. He couldn’t let it happen again. Maybe he should just avoid Ny and therapy and everyone for the next few days. Maybe he should keep to himself in general. It was better that way.

Shion arrived home on the brink of a panic attack. He slammed his front door behind him and dropped to his knees, hyperventilating. Everything he kept close to his chest felt ripped apart. His trauma, his love life, his career- everything felt broken down and analyzed by others without his permission.

Shakily, he climbed to his feet and walked to the kitchen. Making dinner might be a good distraction. He grabbed sandwich ingredients and struggled to make everything stack properly. That’s when the tea from Ny caught his eye. Sighing, he put the kettle on. It would be nice to have a night without dreams, though he figured his mind was already too far gone for that. Tea wasn’t magic, after all.

Anyhow, it tasted good. Solid and slightly earthy, without caffeine. Shion breathed in and out slowly, trying to stop the shaking as he walked to his couch to sit and eat. It was so stupid. He laughed at himself through the anxiety. It was so stupid that he was being affected the way he was. It was absurd. Nothing bad was happening. There were no cameras, probably. No, certainly. He shook himself. It was all in his head.

He sipped his tea and felt marginally better. He actually felt sleepy that night as he lay down in bed, as opposed to his usual anxious insomnia. Maybe the tea actually did help. He’d have to thank Ny tomorrow, and maybe apologize for his strange behavior and sudden departure. He really was a good neighbor. A good friend. Something dangerous lit up in Shion’s heart as he slipped into peaceful unconsciousness.

 


	5. Chapter 5

“I’ll always be here for you,” Ny whispered seductively. “I’ll never run away.” He ran his hands up Shion’s chest as their shirts melted away like mist. “I care about you.”

Shion shuddered, desire pumping through his veins. “I care about you too.” He leaned in to kiss Ny’s full, pink lips and suddenly they were in bed, just like magic, touching and kissing and naked.

Ny lay below him, open and waiting. Submissive. Like he trusted Shion, and respected him.

“You’re so strong,” Ny moaned.

Those words shot right to Shion’s core and  built him up high.

Ny’s cheeks were flushed, and his lips were parted slightly as he gasped at the pure  _ sensation  _ that filled them both. “Ah…  _ ahh…”  _ His eyes met Shion’s as they held each other tight and solid. Knowing this could last forever. Ny would never leave. He’d be here, loving Shion even when he was drunk and broken. He’d make Shion feel good in this way without making him feel inept or childish. He could be and  _ adult. (hahhn~)  _ He could have  _ power. (nghh...)  _ And wasn’t that thought just so very  _ sexy? (Ahh!) _

Shock ripped Shion from sleep and he sat bolt upright in bed, breathing heavily. “Oh no…” He ran his hands down his flushed face and groaned. “Oh no.” This wasn’t good. He felt dirty. Like a cheater. “It was just a dream,” he whispered to himself. “I didn’t…” He flopped back down in bed, trying to ignore the mess and the heat in his veins. “Oh my god…” The awful thing was that he liked it. It felt natural, and good.

Was it okay, feeling this way? Ny  _ had  _ been flirting with him. What would happen if Shion acted on those feelings? Oh god, what would happen if something came of those feelings? What if he actually  _ did  _ move on from Nezumi and find someone new? What would happen then if Nezumi ever did come back? What would he think? What would Shion do?

Shion shook himself. It wasn’t such a bad thing, after all. Feeling romantic feelings for others. It’s not like it meant he was completely giving up on Nezumi. It’s not like those feelings compared. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to allow himself to feel something like that. Maybe it was even healthy.

He checked his clock. 6:03 am. Might as well get up, he doubted he could fall back asleep. Maybe he’d go sit out on the front porch, watch the city go by.

Cleaning himself up quickly and shamefully in the bathroom, Shion shrugged on a robe and pattered outdoors, barefoot.

Oh. Damn. Ny was sitting on the front porch, chopping and mixing dried herbs. He lit up when Shion stepped outside. “Hey! You’re up early.”

Shion nodded, embarrassment forcing him to break eye contact. He felt like if he looked for too long, his mind would be read and Ny would know what he had just dreamed. “Yeah… Couldn’t fall back asleep.”

“Guess the tea didn’t really work. If you drank it.”

Shion shrugged. He  _ had  _ been feeling calmer prior to falling asleep. “I think it did. It was relaxing. I meant to thank you for that, actually. So… thanks. And sorry I ran away yesterday.” He stared out over the quite city scape, feeling awkward. “I’m just dealing with some stuff.”

“I understand.” Ny nodded. “It’s no problem. And also, um…” He smiled, looking away. “Feel free to say no, because I do really understand it’s difficult right now, but… I thought maybe we could go get dinner tonight. Just the two of us.”

A brief moment of paranoia flashed through Shion’s head, like maybe Ny had seen everything. But that was all. Just momentary, stupid paranoia that was easily shrugged away. Shion had expected alarms to start blaring in his mind. He expected panic and confusion. But none of that happened. Instead, almost like a gut reaction, he replied, “That sounds really nice, actually.” Surprising.

“Just to be clear, I’m asking you on a date.”

“Yeah, I know.” Shion smiled, surprising himself again. “To be clear, I’m accepting.”

Ny laughed awkwardly. “Um, well… great. Maybe at seven?”

“Sounds perfect.” Shion sat down on a chair on his porch, feeling a bit dizzy. Did that really just happen? It seemed like a big step. He should tell the people at- oh. Was he planning on going back to group therapy? There was another surprise. Maybe he really was moving on.

They watched the sun rise over the city in silence, then Shion went back inside to get ready for the day. He felt good. Better than he usually did. The mild nausea of anxiety he typically felt was significantly lessened. Maybe that was a sign he was doing the right thing. Smiling, Shion cooked breakfast and switched on the TV for some background noise. It kept his thoughts quiet. He wanted to feel this good for as long as possible. He briefly debated adding alcohol to his coffee, wanting to amplify this feeling, but quickly shoved that thought aside. He felt healthy, and he wanted to stay feeling healthy. Wow. It was amazing how one little thing could make him feel so good about himself.

All that day at work, the chatter of his coworkers was slightly less grating. It was still obnoxious, but it didn’t make him want to tear his ears off.

Nervous energy carried him home from work that evening at five, debate blaring in his thoughts.

_ This is going to be good for you. He’s nice. It’s going to be good. _

_ But what would Nezumi say? _

_ Who cares? He doesn’t own me. _

_ Yes, he does. _

_ I like Ny, he’s kind. _

_ You don’t like kind. You like fiery and interesting. This is pointless. _

_ I do like kind. Actually, I don’t know what I like, I’ve never… _

_ And what if he comes back? What would he think? That his loyal Shion didn’t wait for him like he promised. _

_ I can’t hold off on my life forever just because of a promise I made when I was sixteen. _

_ He’s watching you. He has cameras, and he always keeps his promises. _

_ I don’t know that. I don’t know any of that. _

_ But isn’t the chance that it’s true worth caution? _

Shion switched on the TV to drown out his thoughts as he changed out of his work clothes and into something more suitable. It was going to be fun. He was going to have a good time. And if he didn’t, then at least he gave it a try. That would be something to tell the group when he went back. At least they would praise him for taking a step forwards.

He met Ny on the front porch. He looked nice with a light green button-down and slacks. Shion was dressed similarly but in blue.

“We sorta match!” Ny pointed out happily. “Ready?” An auto pulled up to their shared walkway, and they stepped inside. “I know this restaurant with really great pasta. They grow all the tomatoes for the sauce right on the roof, so everything’s fresh.” He was looking at Shion with reverence. “I figured we could go there, if that sounds good to you.”

Shion nodded. “Sounds great.” He tried to smile. This was going to be good. It was. He was going to focus on the moment and try to enjoy himself. He wasn’t going to think about Nezumi or cameras or West Block or anything. Just Ny. Just having a nice night out with a very nice boy who liked him and best of all was  _ there.  _ “I’m glad we’re doing this.”

“Me too.” Ny reached out hesitantly and took his hand.

They arrived at the restaurant a few minutes later. It was a tall, spindly-looking building with stairs running up the side. Just like Ny had said, there was a garden growing on the roof.

“The chef lives on the floors above the restaurant,” Ny explained as they walked in. “She lives there with her son and daughter. Not sure where the father is, I never thought it right to ask. Very nice family. They get all their tea from me.”

“Ny!” A young woman dashed forwards to hug him the moment he walked in. “Good to see you, come on I have a table in the back.” She beamed at Shion “Hello. I’m Galia.”

“Shion.”

“Nice to meet you. Come on back.” She ushered them to a secluded corner of the warmly-lit restaurant. “Right here.”

“Thanks, Galia.” Ny smiled, sitting down. Once she left, Ny launched right into conversation. “It’s crazy, isn’t it Shion? We’re neighbors, we practically share a house. And now we’re out on a date, it’s like a movie. I love movies, I’m so glad we have them now. Other cities had movies for so long, it’s cool we can make them now. I saw some people making a movie the other day. It was cool.”

Shion nodded. “I’m definitely grateful for TV.”

“TV is the  _ best,”  _ Ny enthused. “It really makes work go by quickly. Since I do most of my work at home, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I get you guys something to drink?” a young man with a notepad asked.

“Yes, I’ll have the matcha lemongrass blend. Thanks, Matt.” Ny smiled.

“I’ll have the same.” Shion figured Ny was the expert. “You really know tea, then.”

“Oh, yeah.” Ny nodded excitedly. “There’s definitely an art to it. You have to know how to grow the plants, when to harvest- you know the time you harvest changes the effects of the tea?- and you have to know how long to dry them and at what temperature before you even get to the blending. It’s a process, raising tea. You should come out to my farm sometime.”

That sounded really fun. “I would like that.” Shion had never been to a real farm before.

Ny continued to babble about tea, explaining in loving detail the process of drying to produce different variants. Shion listened contentedly, happy to be silent and even happier to listen to someone as passionate as Ny speak in that sort of tone. He had a good energy, and Shion wanted to absorb it into himself.

They ordered food eventually, but more interesting than the food they got was how Ny analyzed the way the restaurant brewed the tea.

“I prefer a stronger brew, honestly. That’s why I use strong tea bags, it helps keep the leaves from falling out into the drink. For the matcha lemongrass it’s sort of okay. The lemongrass does well with a lighter steeping, and matcha steeps quickly. But, you know. That’s what happens in a restaurant. They’re moving too quickly to steep each individual cup to perfection.” He laughed. “Sorry, I know I talk a lot about this stuff. It’s just so interesting to me.”

“To me, too,” Shion reassured him. “I like listening to you. I don’t talk much myself.”

Something quirked in Ny’s expression that Shion couldn’t place. “Well, I like your stories, so if you’re ever ready to tell me one, I promise I’ll be quiet and listen happily.”

Shion nodded. “It’s a deal.”

Ny grinned and launched back into an explanation of the difference between oolong, green, and black tea. Turns out they’re all from the same plant. Shion had no idea.

Listening to Ny was sort of like meditation. It was very zen. By the end of the night, Shion felt more calm than he had in quite a while. Indeed, Ny’s personality in itself was like a cup of tea.

They left the restaurant holding hands and content. Shion’s heart was pounding rapidly. It all seemed so surreal. He’d just gone on a real date with a person he actually kinda liked. And it didn’t feel like a replacement for Nezumi because the two were miles apart in terms of personality.

Ny was kind. And that was really incredible.

They stood outside their house in the darkness, looking up into the sky. Very few stars were visible due to light pollution, but there were a few small specks tracing the outlines of constellations. They stood close together, Shion’s arm around Ny’s waist, Ny’s hand on Shion’s shoulder. Before they parted ways for the night, the two shared a gentle, lingering kiss that took Shion’s breath away.

“I had a great time,” Ny whispered after they broke apart.

“Me too,” Shion replied, a note of surprise in his voice.

“We should do this again soon.” Ny smiled, still standing close enough to Shion that they could feel the warmth of each other’s bodies.

“Maybe you can show me the farm,” Shion suggested.

“I’d like that.” Ny’s cheeks were faintly flushed. “I… I’ll see you around, then.”

“Yeah.” Shion smiled. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

They kissed once more, swift and sweet, before parting to walk into their separate homes.

Shion closed the door behind himself softly, sighing into the dark of his apartment. “Wow.”

A voice so familiar Shion dreamed about it nightly rang out, clear and cadent, back through the room to him. “That was touching.”

Shion yelped. “Not real, it’s not real.” No, no, no. It couldn’t be.

The light switched on, and Nezumi stood grinning at him. His long hair was loose down his back, and he wore strange clothing in bright colors that reminded Shion of the bad people in anti-drug propaganda. He had a tangle of necklaces strung with colorful rocks and shells around his neck, and his pants were covered in a collection of odd patches. “You should lock your doors.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Nezumi smelled like rosewater and looked like a rainbow got tangled up with his laundry. Head cocked slightly and grinning, he took a step forwards. Shion gasped, panic tearing at his lungs so bad he couldn’t even manage to hyperventilate. What was happening? How could this be happening? His first thought was that it couldn’t be true, that he’d really just fallen over the edge and was hallucinating. His second thought was that he never would have imagined such a changed version of the boy he once knew. An adult man stood before him, dressed like a hippie and smiling like a psychopath.

“You  _ were _ watching me!” Shion accused, falling back against the door.

“With that guy? Yeah, it was cute. Who is he?” Nezumi peered out the window like Ny still might be out there.

“This whole time- how long have you been watching me?” Shion wondered if he might be having a heart attack. Everything felt warped.

“What are you talking about?” Nezumi shook his head. “Have you lost your mind since I left? I just saw you through the window.”

“Bull!” Shion clutched his chest, desperate to stop the panic attack that was burning the edges of his thoughts. “You  _ do  _ have cameras on me.”

Nezumi’s eyes widened. “Oh boy.”

“How long?!” Shion glared at him. This was so wrong. No way this was a coincidence, he’d been watching the whole time and was just stepping in because he saw Shion being happy.

“Of course I’m not, do you need help? Medication? A lobotomy?”

Had he said all that out loud?

“Yeah, you psycho. Come on, sit down.” Nezumi reached out, and Shion swatted away his hand. He actually looked offended. “Wow. Um… Should I leave? I didn’t expect…”

“No!” Shion reached out frantically to grab onto Nezumi’s colorful shirt. “Don’t leave!”

Nezumi gently pried Shion’s fingers out of his clothing. “Okay… it’s okay, calm down.”

He was overreacting, he could tell. Still, there was no way Nezumi just  _ happened  _ to be stopping by on the day Shion tried to take a step forwards with his life. No chance in hell. “Why are you doing this?”

“What, keeping a promise?”

_ “Lying  _ to me!”

“I would  _ never  _ lie to you!” Nezumi looked hurt. “Sit down, I think we need to have a conversation.” He rolled his eyes and took a seat on Shion’s couch, gesturing to the spot next to him. “Come on. Please.”

Hesitantly, Shion nodded and slowly took a seat as far from Nezumi as possible. “Why are you here?”

“To visit. I thought that’s what we agreed on.”

“Four years ago!”

“Yeah!” Nezumi looked at him like he was stupid. “Four years ago.” He shook his head slowly. “I don’t know what the hell you meant by watching you, but I have been getting some news from No. 6. I thought this might be a  _ good  _ time to visit. Everything seems to be going smoothly.”

“Too smoothly,” Shion grumbled.

Nezumi’s eyes lit up. “What, is there a problem?”

“No, that’s the problem. It’s boring now.” Shion turned away from him. “Everything’s been done.” He eyed Nezumi suspiciously. “You really weren’t watching me?” His heart was still beating rapidly, and the entire situation felt surreal.

“What would the point of that be, Shion? Think about it. Besides, you said you were boring.”

“I said  _ life  _ is boring,” Shion corrected. “Not me.”

“Same difference.” Nezumi shrugged. “You are what you do.”

Shion took a few deep breaths, realizing he was being stupid. He’d played this reunion out a million times in his head, and never had he reacted like this. What did he usually do? In his fantasies? Slowly, Shion managed to calm down. “So… what do you do?”

A slow smile spread across Nezumi’s face. “Oh, so many things. I’ve been  _ everywhere.  _ Every city, as far as I could into the wilderness around the cities, on the ocean, through the forest, over mountains… I joined cartels and convoys, travelling with them for a while. Most of the time, though, I was on my own. I’m a very different person than I was four years ago. Clearly you are too.”

Shion looked away. “I’m a worse person.”

“Then that’s where we differ.” Nezumi leaned back into the couch. “That’s why I left the city. Too much baggage here.”

Shion looked him up and down. “You look like a different person, too.”

Nezumi grinned. “Like my shirt? I made it.”

“It’s very… colorful.” Shion raised an eyebrow.

“It’s a tie dye. Learned how to do it with a band of wandering, deaf hippies. They were interesting people. Only knew sign language. Hard to talk to them. They were way louder than you’d expect, though. Woke me up at five every morning with their clattering of pots and pans and their screaming at each other.” He laughed. “That was a fun few months.”

“So why are you back?” Shion grouched. “If it’s so great out there.”

Nezumi scooted in closer. “I have a project for us.”

“A project?” That piqued Shion’s interest. “What kind?”

“We’re not tapped, are we?” Nezumi looked around the house suspiciously.

Shion squinted warily. “Not unless you tapped the place.”

“Alright. So while I’ve been gone, I’ve been learning a trade. I’m pretty good at it. Good enough that I think I’m ready to take on my final task before I retire.”

Shion nodded slowly, a bit perturbed. This all felt like a dream. “What trade?”

“I’m a mercenary.”

Shion’s mind shut down. “A…?” He couldn’t say it. “So you kill…?”

“It depends. Not always. Sometimes it’s just basic espionage. But I’ve been getting closer and closer to my real goal.” He grinned, his eyes alight with a mania Shion hadn’t seen in quite a while. “I’m gonna kill the people who murdered my family.”

Shion gasped. “You know who they are?”

Nezumi nodded. “Yep. And what’s great is they’re all in one convenient location. I can get them in one fell swoop. So, what do you say?”

Shion didn’t understand. “What do I say?”

“Yeah. Do you want to help me?” He reached out to touch Shion’s hair, rolling the translucent strands between his fingers. “Just like old times?”

Shion was stunned. “You want me to help you kill people.”

“Murderers. Not people,” Nezumi corrected with a scowl. “They’re your enemies too, Shion. They’re the reason this happened to you.” He traced the scar across Shion’s neck. “Don’t you want to make things right?”

Anticipation grew in Shion’s stomach. This could be just the thing he needed, just the thing to make his life a little more tolerable. Excitement, violence, and closure. “I… don’t know.” Was it really a step in the right direction? He was just now getting healthy again. “I don’t know.”

“Shion,” Nezumi said firmly. “This is going to be good for you. It will help you put some of these traumas behind you, don’t you think?”

That struck Shion wrong. “What makes you think I’m not over the trauma?”

“It’s been four years. You’re bored. You have nothing else to think about, right? Plus you look like you haven’t slept in a year. How old are we now? You look older than me.” Nezumi looked him up and down, analyzing him. “How bad did you have to fuck up to turn into this?”

That was true, and Shion appreciated it. “You think this will help me move on?”

“I suppose that depends what you mean by ‘on.’ You can only ever keep going. Everything you’ve done, everything you are, it will always be your history and it will always affect your present. But what kind of future do you want to have? Do you want to wallow in your fears and depression forever? Or do you want to help me kill the people who did this to us?” His grey eyes shone with a ferocity Shion missed terribly.

“I want to help you.” The words tumbled out of his mouth thoughtlessly, but they were true. “I missed you.” Emotion tightened his throat, and he struggled not to cry.  _ This.  _ This is what he wanted.

“I missed you too.” Nezumi smiled. “Look how easily I said that.  _ I’ve  _ gotten much better. I’ve been doing the healthy thing and facing my demons head on. Now, let’s piece you back together too.”

Shion’s whole body felt tingly. “Okay.” He worried he might wake up at any moment from a dream, and that would be incredibly disappointing. “I’m not that creative,” he said.

“What’s that?”

Shion blinked. “Oh. I was just thinking that this can’t be a dream, because I’m not creative enough to invent you looking like this.” He scooted closer subconsciously, fascinated by the way Nezumi was dressed. The fascination probably had something to do with the way Nezumi held himself as well. Confident, but not like he was trying to seem like a difficult target. It was true confidence. Very different from how he had been.

“Thank a combination of socializing with real altruists and amazing experiences on drugs for my new persona.” He laughed. “Freed my mind.”

“I knew you looked like the propaganda.” Shion grinned. “Like a dope pusher.”

“Hell no. Not a pusher. Just an enthusiast.” He ran the pads of his thumbs gently under Shion’s eyes. “I wouldn’t give you anything right now. You look like an addict and an overdose waiting to happen.”

Shion’s whole body lit up at the touch. “I am an addict,” he admitted for the first time. “I think I’m an alcoholic.”

Nezumi hummed thoughtfully. “Okay. Well, we’re going to make everything better. Sound good?” He cupped Shion’s cheek in his hand.

Shion sighed, closing his eyes and feeling warm. “Yeah.”

“Gonna fill this depressing place up with positive vibes, alright?”

_ Positive vibes  _ Shion mouthed the words, skeptical.

“It’s a real thing.” Nezumi scooted closer to him. Their legs were touching. “It’s the most important thing in the world.”

“You  _ are  _ different.” Shion opened his eyes and shook his head slowly. He glanced down to where their legs were touching, a bit overwhelmed.

“So are you. But I know how to fix it. I know where all the bad people are. We can wipe out those bad vibes in just one day if we prepare right.”

Shion scooted even closer, their hips were touching. “Where?”

Nezumi leaned in close. “The PTSD clinic.”

Cold like ice water ran through Shion’s veins. “The…”

“They’re all there. Complaining about how terrifying it was being murderers. They’ve admitted everything. We can wipe them out. I know you want to.”

Shion’s breath came in short gasps as panic returned. “The PTSD clinic… I…” He stood sharply, backing away.

Nezumi’s eyes darkened. “Full disclosure, I know you went there.”

Shion choked on his own breath as his lungs forcibly deflated. “You know…”

“I heard you say you wondered if I was dead. I heard you say you thought I was never coming back. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. You made me have to prove myself. So here I am.” Nezumi stood too. “I wasn’t trying to watch you specifically, Shion. I don’t have cameras on you, or in your house. You just happened to step in front of a tap I had in place for months.” He strode forwards and put his hands on Shion’s hips. “Everything’s okay.”

Something about the way Nezumi touched him made Shion feel calm. Like drinking tea. “You heard what I said…” he whispered.

“Your anger at those people was the reason I decided it was time. It’s the reason I thought to include you. You are still angry, aren’t you?”

Shion nodded mutely, not sure if he was lying. Either way, he could be angry. He could make himself angry. No problem.

“Then just like before. The two of us.” Nezumi stepped closer, and it was very distracting. “Let’s do what’s right.”

Shion breathed slowly, excitement burning in his chest. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Nezumi stepped away. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, and we can go over the plan.”

Shion blinked in surprise. “Wait, don’t you want to stay here?”

Nezumi grinned. “I have my own place. See ya.”

Shion didn’t understand. “What do you mean your own place? That same room?”

Nezumi wrinkled his nose. “Too many bad memories. I’ve been travelling for four years, Shion. I know how to live on my own.”

Shion stared at him blankly. “But… I don’t get it, where are you staying? You didn’t register with the city, did you? So you can’t have a hotel.”

“No, I have my own place. Don’t worry about it, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He walked towards the door.

Shion’s heart dropped. “Wait!”

Nezumi stopped.

Shion didn’t know what to say. “I… I want to come with you.”

Slowly, a smile spread across Nezumi’s face. “I don’t know about that.”

“Why not?” Shion pouted, feeling like a child.

Nezumi laughed. “Well, you haven’t changed all the way. Still as nosey as ever.”

“Take me with you,” Shion insisted.

Nezumi hesitated. “You have such a nice house, don’t you want to sleep here?”

“Don’t you?” Shion crossed his arms.

Nezumi nodded slowly. “Touche. Come on.”

Shion grinned. “Let me just pack.” He almost turned away before paranoia got the better of him. “Stay there. Wait for me.”

Nezumi raised an eyebrow and nodded. “I won’t move an inch.”

Shion took a deep breath before dashing off to pack a night bag as quickly as possible. He threw everything in an old backpack carelessly, reveling in the mess he was making. He wanted that sort of chaos. Nezumi was chaos. And finally, he was going to have a chaotic night. He could feel it.

 


	7. Chapter 7

They walked through the city. They didn’t take an auto, which was strange but good. Shion liked the way it made his feet hurt by the time they were at the city limits, facing the forest. The night was cool, and the leaves were a deep red, hanging on to their trees by barely a decaying thread. A slight breeze sent them fluttering to the ground. Shion reached out to take Nezumi’s hand, breathing in the scent of the forest deeply.

“Are you camping?”

“Yep. Although it barely feels like camping anymore, I’ve been doing it for so long.” Nezumi squeezed Shion’s hand gently and lead him out past the treeline.

They walked in contented silence for what felt like moments, but was probably more like half an hour. Lights glowed through the dense foliage, orange and pink and blue, shifting colors psychedelically.

“Is that your camp?” Shion asked softly, watching the light show.

“Mhm.” Nezumi stopped walking and whistled a clear, high tune. A moment late, someone whistled back. “Okay, let’s go introduce you.”

Shion frowned. “Introduce?”

“To my family.” Nezumi grinned. “Come on.” He pulled Shion after him, past the final few trees and into a clearing where a ring of cars surrounded a large campfire. String lights hung everywhere, and several people were lying flat on their backs, gazing up at them like it was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen. “Hi, guys,” Nezumi greeted, joining the group. “This is Shion.”

Shion’s eyes were wide and nervous as he tried to hide behind Nezumi as best he could. “Hi…”

One girl with hair that would have trailed on the ground had it not been tied up huffed at Nezumi. “Take this freaking baby or I swear to Gaia I will shoot you.” She shoved a squirming baby into Nezumi’s arms. “Hi, I’m Renaissance.” She smiled tiredly at Shion. “And I’m going to bed.” She shuffled off in the direction of a pickup truck with a cap over the bed and crawled inside.

Shion stared at the baby. “Don’t tell me that’s yours.”

Nezumi shrugged. “Who knows.” He set the baby on the ground, and she crawled off towards another young woman at an incredible speed. “Her name is Day.”

Shion felt overwhelmed. “You might have a daughter. Called Day.”

“Oh, that’s not even the half of it.” Nezumi laughed, gesturing out at the small crowd of people. “I might have a son called Sunshine and another daughter called River.” Indeed, there was a toddler and another baby sitting with different women around the fire. “Like I said, this is my family.”

“I think River is his,” a young girl of around 19 spoke up. “Looks like him.”

“But we don’t actually know.” Nezumi shrugged. “Could be any of ours.”

Absolutely lost for words, Shion just shook his head.

“I’ve been with them for three years off and on,” Nezumi explained. “This past year I’ve been a bit more absent, but I try to connect with them at least once a month.”

A young man with blown pupils slowly walked up to Shion. He reached out and lightly traced the scar on his face. “You’re beautiful.”

“Um…” Shion looked to Nezumi for help.

Nezumi’s expression softened. “Why don’t you go play with the fire, Smudge? Throw some sulfur on it.”

Smudge’s eyes widened dramatically. “Yeah! Purple!”

“What’s wrong with him?” Shion whispered as Smudge shuffled away.

“Nothing. He’s just having a fun night.” Nezumi stared fondly after the strange man, who was throwing handfuls of yellow powder on the fire causing purple sparks and laughing hysterically. “These are some of the people who never touched No. 6. They’ve been living out here this whole time, forming their own culture and norms. You’re welcome to participate, although I can see the culture shock in your eyes.”

Shion didn’t know what to say. For three years Nezumi had been with these people. Having babies, making fires, and doing whatever Smudge was doing. He’d been having fun and making a family. Shion felt so small in that moment, realizing he could not have consumed Nezumi’s thoughts in the way Nezumi consumed his. Nezumi truly had moved on, and he was different now. Happy. In love, it seemed, with an entire community of people. “This is your family.”

Nezumi nodded, love written all over his face as he gazed out over them. “This is my family.” He focussed in on Shion so intensely it almost send him stumbling backwards. “They could be yours, too.”

“Wha…” Shion shook his head, confused. “What?”

“If you really are bored, Shion. Look what happened to me.” He held his arms out as if displaying his body said it all. It sort of did. “I was such an angry teenager. Bitter and guarded to everyone. Being with these people changed me more profoundly than I can explain. The same way you did all those years ago.” He stepped close into Shion’s personal space. “So this is my offer, if you want it. I want to truly pay you back for everything you’ve done for me, and I think this will do it. You can travel with us. After this is all over, after we assassinate the terrorists living in the city. I want you to feel better. You can come with us.”

Shion was stunned. “I… I have a job, I can’t just…”

“Can’t you? Is there really no way the city can function without you? How important to them are you really? More important than you are to me?” He slid his hands around Shion’s waist. “You don’t have to answer now. Just something to think about.” He pulled Shion into a hug, which was surprising. “Get to know us a bit.”

Us. Because they were a group that Shion was not a part of. He could be, but he wasn’t. And Nezumi was much closer to his group of “us” than he was to Shion, and that was upsetting. Trying not to sound sad, Shion hugged him back. “Okay.”

Time is a funny thing. It changes people in ways no words could try to. It can heal old wounds and morphs a soul into something new and beautiful. It can also dredge up old pain and leave a person shattered. How different the two of them were. How drastically their lives had diverged.

“This is sweet an all, but I need you to take this kid right fucking now.” Another exhausted looking young woman broke them apart and shoved a baby into Nezumi’s arms.

He sighed. “Can’t Smudge take her?”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Hey Smudge, can you handle a baby?”

Smudge blinked, looking stunned. “I… I don’t know… Wow. Wow, man. Wow. That’s deep.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Alright.”

“Is this River?” Shion asked.

“Yeah. She was born in a river.” Nezumi bounced the dazed looking infant. “She’s a good kid, she just always needs to be held.” Nezumi nodded his head towards a van. “That’s mine. Wanna go hide from everyone?”

Shion nodded gratefully. Everything was a bit overwhelming. The inside of the van looked quite like a small house. There was a mattress on the floor in the back, a table near the front that looked like it folded into the wall, and a cooking area complete with running water. The walls were decorated with vibrantly colored fabrics, and clothing of equal vibrancy was strewn about the floor in a “lived-in” looking way.

Nezumi flopped down on the mattress with the baby on his chest. “They can be a bit much.”

Shion hesitantly sat down next to him. “I can’t believe you have a family now.” He touched the baby’s head lightly. “And kids.”

“This one’s mine, I’m sure.” He looked at River fondly. “Look.” He held her up, and she slowly blinked open large gray eyes.

Shion’s heart clenched tightly. “Yeah.”

“You’re gonna be a singer, right?” He spoke to the little girl. “You’re gonna learn to sing those old songs and then I won’t be the only one to know them anymore.” He brought her back to his chest and held her close. “It’s so peaceful here. Life makes sense.”

Yeah. The energy of the place was warm. Like a campfire. Something romantic and visionary in Shion wanted it for himself. He wanted to make the impractical choice to join this group of hippie wanderers and live forever with Nezumi and his children in the forest.

“So, that’s the carrot, Shion,” Nezumi’s tone changed to dark. “Help me kill the people who set fire to my home, and then run away with me and this new tribe for as long as you want. As long as it takes to shake the cobwebs from your brain and recover like I did. What do you think?”

Killing the people from his therapy group. Could he really do that? “I don’t want to be a murderer.”

“You already are. Besides, they’re not people like us. They’re psychopaths who committed genocide. Wouldn’t you kill Hitler? Shoot a Nazi?”

“Who? And what?” Shion frowned.

Nezumi shook his head slowly. “Your education in No. 6 really sucked. The point is, given the chance, anyone would do this. We have the chance. And I’m going to take it, but I want you with me.”

_ I want you with me.  _ Shion’s heart fluttered. He asked tentatively, “What do we have to do?”

Nezumi smiled, and sat up, bouncing the baby on his shoulder. “Just go in, poison the coffee, and leave. Easy as pie.”

Shion nodded slowly. “What if they don’t drink it?”

Nezumi smiled. “That’s my job. All I need is for you to do this one thing. They won’t expect it, you’re one of them.” The baby squirmed and made a weak, crying sound. “Ah, shit. She’s probably hungry.” He stood to rustle around through cabinets for a bottle and formula.

Watching him feed the baby was heartwarming. It triggered something primal in Shion’s soul. He wanted that. He wanted this family, this baby, this beautiful boy who was so lovingly fathering his daughter.

“Okay,” he said breathlessly. “I’ll help.”

Nezumi looked at him with a sort of pride that made Shion melt. “Thank you,” he said softly. “This project means a lot to me.” His expression shifted. “Who was that guy?”

“Huh?” Shion frowned.

“Your neighbor. The one you kissed on the porch.” Nezumi wrinkled his nose slightly.

Shion grinned. “Why? Are you jealous?”

Nezumi held up the baby pointedly. “That would be pretty hypocritical. I don’t care who you date.”

“His name is Ny. He’s nice.” Shion leaned back on his hands, pleased with Nezumi’s discomfort.

“So, you’re not a virgin anymore. Good on you.” Nezumi struggled as the baby knocked the bottle out of his hands.

Shion’s eyes widened slightly. “No, I… I am.” That was a strange assumption to make.

“What have you been doing these past four years, then?”

“That was our first date you saw!” Shion defended himself.

“Still.” Nezumi shrugged, sticking the bottle back in the baby’s mouth.

“Just because you’re a slut doesn’t mean everyone is!” Shion crossed his arms, annoyed.

“I’m not a-” Nezumi broke off mid sentence, glanced out the van window, and shut his mouth.

“I’m only twenty,” Shion grumbled. “It’s not that strange.”

“Is it not?” Nezumi laughed lightly, sitting down.

Shion huffed. “Why, how old were you?”

Nezumi’s laughter died instantly. “You’re right, it’s not so strange.” He looked away.

Had he touched a nerve? Interesting. “How old were you, then?” Shion leaned in, curious.

Nezumi paused for a long moment before he answered. “Twelve.”

_ “Twelve?!”  _ Shion gasped, horrified. “That’s how old you were when we met!”

“Yeah, it wasn’t much longer after that.” Nezumi shifted awkwardly. “That’s how things worked out there.”

Oh.  _ Oh.  _ Oh, damn. Shion fell mute, his heart breaking. He shouldn’t have pressed the issue. He shouldn’t have asked.

“That’s life.” Nezumi stood to set the empty baby bottle on the table. “No use crying about it.”

“Yeah…” That’s the lesson Shion was trying to learn. How not to cry about it. His teeth felt on edge, he needed a drink. He didn’t want to think about anything anymore. Hearing about the things Nezumi went through only reminded him how comparatively mild the things he’d gone through were, and thinking about the things he’d gone through made him feel sick. “How do you do it?”

“Mm?”

“How do you keep from crying about it?” Shion clenched his fists, stoically holding back the memories threatening to overwhelm him.

“Nihilism and murder,” Nezumi answered promptly. “That, and I don’t stay in No. 6. I can’t imagine doing that.”

Well, nihilism and murder was doable. He’d already agreed to the murder part, he could do nihilism.

“Here’s why it’s worse for you, Shion.” Nezumi laid the baby, asleep, onto the bed. “You started out happy. You had everything and it was taken away. You remember the contrast, so you feel the loss. I never had anything, so I never had anything to lose. My entire life has been about doing horrible things to barely escape death. So when it was all over, my life actually improved. I feel much better, so I can see why you feel worse. Don’t feel guilty about feeling bad, that’s stupid.”

His blood felt dry. He needed a drink. “My life is so stupid right now.”

“All life is stupid. It’s absurd.” Nezumi laid down next to the baby, closing his eyes. “Life’s a trip. It’s psychedelic. Bad trips, good trips, everything in between. Just look at it. Look how pointless, stupid, and amazing everything is.”

“You really have changed,” Shion said, trying not to laugh.

“You don’t even know. Someday, we’ll trip together.” He sighed slowly. “When you’re ready to embrace it.”

Shion didn’t know what that meant, but he didn’t bother to ask. He laid down in bed, too, exhausted. “You know, I-”

“Did you know I was in love with you?” Nezumi interrupted suddenly. “Back then?”

Shion stared up at the roof of the van, stunned. “I…”

“I didn’t want to be, I tried so hard not to be. Now I regret that I wasn’t more open with you,” Nezumi admitted easily. “But I’m a different person now. So I guess we’ll have to figure things out again.”

“Yeah…” Shion whispered, amazed. “I guess so.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

“I believe that the Earth belongs to all people, and that all people are a part of Earth. Therefore, we all belong to each other. So be kind.” Nezumi had been spouting such hippie propaganda uninterrupted for the past twenty minutes. It was truly a spectacular change that apparently had occurred in him, although Shion could still see his innate personality through the different philosophy. He was just as black-and-white as ever, simply switching ideologies slightly. He was still just as insistent and convinced that his way of life, that his side was most noble and correct; only the side he chose to identify with had changed. “Well, I’m getting ready for bed.” Nezumi sat up and stripped out of his clothes like it was the most normal thing in the world. “You packed a toothbrush and all that, right?”

Shion nodded, averting his eyes.

“Pft. Such a child,” Nezumi mocked. “You’re gonna be real shocked tomorrow when it’s warm and everyone’s naked.”

Shion hoped dearly he was joking. “I’m fine with it. It’s just a cultural difference.”

_ “It’s just a cultural difference,”  _ Nezumi mimicked. “You’re hilarious. It’s endearing.” He stuck a toothbrush in his mouth and looked Shion up and down. “Truly.”

Shion blushed. “I have a boyfriend now, you can’t flirt with me.”

“Oh  _ can’t  _ I?” Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “I don’t appreciate you telling me what to do.” He turned to the sink to brush his teeth, continuing to talk. “I’m surprised you noticed. You seemed so obtuse before.”

“Well, we’re both different.” Shion looked at the baby sleeping soundly on a pillow.

“Clearly.” Nezumi spat into the sink and rinsed his mouth out. “I don’t think we’ll ever turn around. But forwards doesn’t have to be dark. Also- you don’t have a boyfriend, you went on one date.”

“He kissed me!” Shion countered.

“So?” Nezumi shrugged. “I’ve kissed you.” He sat down on the bed next to Shion. “We’ve slept in the same bed, too. And I’ve seen you naked. Doesn’t make me your boyfriend.”

“And now I’ve seen  _ you  _ naked.” Shion looked away.

“Half naked.” Nezumi looked down at himself. “It’s not so strange to sleep in your underwear.”

“You’re going to  _ sleep  _ this way?” Shion asked, appalled.

“If the baby will let me sleep.” Nezumi looked at River, an exhausted air in his shoulders. He laid down and curled up under the blanket.

Hesitantly, Shion did the same. “I did know.” He said into the dim light. “That you loved me. I loved you too.”

“Good. I thought so.” Nezumi’s eyes were closed, but he was smiling slightly. “I trusted you enough that I could fall asleep in front of you. Although you almost always fell asleep first. You know how most people look peaceful when they sleep? I always thought you looked just as peaceful when you were awake.”

Shion sighed. “You really have changed.”

“I always had these thoughts. I just voice them now,” Nezumi replied. “I’m not afraid anymore.” He rolled over to face Shion. They were practically nose to nose. “I’ve learned how to be less paranoid. Want me to teach you?”

“Yes.” More than anything, Shion wished he could be peaceful again.

Nezumi reached out suddenly to touch the side of Shion’s ribcage lightly. Shion jumped in surprise. “Don’t back away,” Nezumi commanded, slowly running his fingers up Shion’s side to his neck. Shion’s entire body seized up in anxiety. “Relax.”

Shion tried. His limbs were trembling.

“You know I kill people for a living,” Nezumi murmured softly. “Every other time I get this close to a person, they’re drawing their last breath. Breathe for me.”

Shakily, Shion exhaled.

Swiftly, Nezumi pressed down on a pressure point on Shion’s neck, and he couldn’t breathe.

_ Panic. _

“Shh, it’s okay. I didn’t hurt you, see? You’re still breathing.”

And indeed, he was. “What was that?” Shion gasped.

“Carotid artery. It gets compressed when you’re being choked, so it makes people feel like they can’t breathe when they can. I didn’t actually hurt you.” He laid a hand across Shion’s cheek. “Don’t you trust me?”

Shion nodded.

“Good. Do you remember how dead people smell?”

_ Panic.  _ Shion gasped, images flashing through his mind.

“Never leaves you, does it? As memorable as the smell of coffee. As haunting as the feeling right before you tumble off a cliff. Remember climbing that hill of decaying corpses?”

_ Panic.  _ Shion’s muscles tightened. “I don’t- we don’t-”

“But look how alive I am.” Nezumi curled up close. “I smell alive, don’t I?” He ran his hand across Shion’s neck, and this time it didn’t feel so dangerous. “But I almost didn’t make it. Remember when I got shot?”

Vividly. Shion’s stomach was in knots.

“But you saved my life.” Nezumi’s voice was low as he ran his hands down Shion’s abdomen. “And so I’m alive.”

Panic subsided somewhat to be replaced by an intense confusion.

“But then I left you.” Nezumi pulled away quickly, sitting up in bed. “And I had this baby.” He picked up the sleeping River carefully and stood. “With these people who I’ve spent so much more time with.” He opened the door to the van and stepped out, shutting it quickly behind himself.

Shion sat up too, baffled. “What just happened?” he asked the empty van. His heart was pounding heavily in his chest, an array of emotions clouding his vision.

Nezumi opened the door and climbed back in without the baby. “But I’ll always come back if I say I will.” He smiled, sitting down next to Shion. “That’s how I did it.”

“Did…?” Shion was still confused.

“You relive the horrible moments while living good moments. Get the good hormones flowing while the adrenaline is shaking you up.” He leaned in close. “Don’t avoid your triggers. That makes it so much worse. You need to face your fears and let them pass while you’re distracted by better things.”

“So… you’re saying you had sex during panic attacks,” Shion surmised.

“Your comprehension skills are much better. That is what I’m saying.” Nezumi grinned broadly.

“I don’t know Ny that well.” Shion edged away, uncomfortable.

“So masturbate, I dunno.” Nezumi sounded annoyed. “Just telling you what I did.” He laid down in bed. “You don’t  _ have  _ to take my advice.” He went quiet for a moment. “How about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” Shion asked, confused.

“The clinic. How about tomorrow? Just bite the bullet.”

The world grew very small. Shion’s chest contracted. “I…” He could feel his limbs begin to shake, so he flopped down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, trying to fight back the panic crawling up his throat.

“Whoa, relax.” Nezumi scooted over and laid down next to him. “Trust me, it will be better to do it now. Better than waiting. You don’t want to stew in it.”

Shion tried holding his breath rather than hyperventilating, but it only made him feel worse.

“Hey,” Nezumi said lowly. “Let me touch you.”

“What?” Shion sat bolt upright.

“You’re gonna leave anyway, aren’t you?” he reasoned, sitting up too. “If you want to travel with me, you’re gonna leave Ny. Be with me. Let me touch you.”

Shion shook his head. “I don’t know that I’m leaving.”

“You’re gonna have to decide quick. After tomorrow, I have to run again.” His voice sounded almost threatening. “Just trust me on this.” He put his hands on Shion’s hips and pulled him close. “I want you to be happy.”

“I don’t need this.” Shion pulled away. “I’m trying to move on.”

“From me?” Nezumi asked, annoyed. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, you know.”

“But I want it to!” Shion protested, looking away. “I want… real things. I want solid things.”

“Everything is transient,” Nezumi argued. “Nothing lasts forever. If you’re not coming with me, then let’s enjoy each other’s company while I’m here.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t coming with you.” Shion frowned. “I just don’t know. About any of this.”

“Refusing to make decisions is a sign of anxiety,” Nezumi said sagely.

“Everything I do is a sign of anxiety,” Shion countered. “So what?”

“Good point.” Nezumi flopped down in bed. “I was only trying to help.”

“I don’t need h…” That was a lie and they both knew it. “I’ll decide,” Shion said, laying down. “Tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Nezumi shut his eyes. “Life is a trip. Getting to know people is strange.”

“Getting to know me?” Shion asked, closing his eyes as well.

“Yeah. You’re all new. All new edges.” He laughed. “I want to explore you.”

Shion blushed, glad both their eyes were closed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I hope you’ll let me. Eventually.” He reached out and took Shion’s hand.

Shion let him, still shaking a bit. It felt good to be close to someone. Maybe Nezumi was right.

He struggled to fall asleep that night. Everything was just too… off center. Maybe he’d gotten used to the stony perfection of No. 6. The climate controlled rooms, the perfect corners, the symmetry of everything. Out here, everything was so alive. It was bumpy and uncomfortable and strange. Or maybe it was the fact that he was sleeping next to Nezumi that caused the insomnia. It reminded him of four years ago, and that was very odd. Chaotic. But he felt right, like he’d found his place. The place he was meant to be. Not this forest, but next to this boy he still had feelings for after all this time. This strange, unhinged boy who ran around committing murders, having children, and doing drugs. He was so different from Shion. Wild.

That’s when he decided. He was going to do it. He was going to shake up his life completely and run away into this insanity with this boy who he knew he still loved and probably always would. Somewhere in his heart, that flame would always shine. So why run away from it? Forwards, into the fire. He wanted to burn. He wanted that warmth, so intense that it was painful.

He reached out into the darkness to touch Nezumi’s chest gently. Just to feel connected. In his sleep, Nezumi rolled into the touch, and they lay together, sharing heat. Warm. Living people are warm, and so is life and love.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Shion woke up in the morning with a sense of dread so strong it made him feel nauseous. He didn’t speak for the entire morning, simply packing his things in silence and walking back through the forest to the edge of town. Nezumi followed him, seeming to understand his reluctance to talk. They waved goodbye as Shion boarded an auto and rode home. He had work today. He was going to have to spend the entire day at work knowing what he was going to do that evening. Maybe he should just go ahead and quit. What was the point, really? It’s not like he’d be able to go back. Actually, he’d probably be  _ forced  _ to run away after this. He hadn’t really considered that.

Maybe he shouldn’t do it.

Ny was sitting on the porch like he normally did, cutting and folding strange-shaped tea bags. “Hey!” he said cheerily as Shion stepped out of the auto onto the sidewalk. “Where have you been?”

“Forest,” Shion croaked tiredly. “What are you making?” He tried to change the subject.

“Lotus-shaped tea bags,” Ny explained. “They’ll unfurl in the water and I think it will look really cool. Never done it before, so I’m making some trial bags. Wanna see?” He held up a completed tea bag full of reddish tea.

“Sure.” Shion shuffled over to where Ny sat and squatted down next to him.

Ny poured a mug of hot water from a tea set he had next to him and carefully placed the tea inside. Like magic, the petals of the lotus opened up and began to leach pink coloration into the water. “Perfect.” He laughed contentedly. “So cool.”

Shion wanted to cry. What a nice, interesting, enthusiastic boy Ny was. What a good, kind-hearted person.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ny frowned at him, concerned. “You look sad.”

Shion shook his head and looked away. “Just thinking that I really like you.”

Ny beamed. “I really like you, too.”

“Let’s go do something,” Shion blurted out suddenly. “I don’t want to go to work today.”

Ny nodded, considering. His face lit up. “Wanna come see the tea farm?”

“Yeah.” Shion stood. “I do.” He wanted to go. Now, before the thoughts in his head had time to fully form. Before his terror had time to consume him.

“Great, maybe after lunch, or…?” Ny stood, dusting his hands off.

“Why not now? Let’s get going.” He smiled encouragingly.

“O-oh. Okay, sure. Let me just put all this away.” Ny picked up the tea cup and handed it to Shion. “Give me just a couple minutes. Why don’t you try that out? See what you think.” He nodded at the tea. “It’s hibiscus. No caffeine.”

Shion grinned as Ny walked inside, shaking with relief. This would be okay. This day could be fine. The evening might be horrible, but at least he could spend the day with Ny doing something fun. He sat down heavily in the chair on his porch to drink the tea. It was good. Tangy in flavor, but light. It would be fascinating to see the farm.

After Ny finished cleaning up, they grabbed an auto and headed out. All the way down South, and across the old border, which was remembered with a trail of metal through the cement of the sidewalk.

The farm sat just beyond the line of houses that were built by the government in place of the old, decrepit shacks that had been there before the revolution. Now, South block homed the majority of the projects; low income housing that was unfortunately prone to crime.

“This is where my mom lives,” Ny nodded to one of the apartment buildings.

“Really?” Shion asked, surprised. Ny had such a nice place in the city, it was hard to believe his mother stayed out here.

“She refuses to leave,” Ny explained. “Says this is where she belongs. She’s a tough lady, but I do worry about her.” He hummed. “She should be out at the farm by now, though.”

“Let’s go.” Shion took his hand and pulled him along in the direction his GPS was prodding him. It was a short walk to the farm, only about ten minutes from the projects. The land sprawled across hills and valleys, rows of tea bushes coloring the landscape bright green. It was breathtaking.

“This is it,” Ny declared proudly. “This is home.”

“It’s beautiful.” Shion gazed around the land, watching people working in the fields, baskets of leaves on their backs.

“It’s been a good season. Plenty of rain, good fertilization from last year… The terrior of the plants will make for a rich brew. Wanna see the withering room?” He grinned.

“Yeah.” Shion didn’t quite know what that meant, but he knew he wanted to see everything. He wanted to memorize every detail of this fascinating place. Maybe he would just stay with Ny forever. Maybe he wouldn’t run away.

They walked hand-in-hand to a climate controlled room full of bamboo shelves laden with withered, green leaves.

“We control everything in this room. The airflow, the humidity, the heat, the light… every variable is accounted for in order to get the best flavor. We turn each leaf at a precise time in order to make sure everything is consistent. Consistency is key.” Ny lead him through the room, where farmers were inspecting the leaves. “This is the second step after harvest. From here, the leaves are bruised. That’s the next room. Come on.” He pulled Shion along, a contented glimmer in his eyes. The next room was noisy, full of people chattering and crushing withered leaves. “Different flavors are bruised differently. Black tea, oolong tea, pu-erh tea… they all have their own unique bruising style. Everyone in here has been doing this for years. They’re experts at it. This is the room I worked in as a teenager, all the kids are in the fields.” Indeed, there were several teenagers sitting in circles bruising leaves, their practiced hands falling in almost musical rhythm.

“Next is the oxidation room. It’s pretty much the same as the withering room, but it’s done after bruising. Again, each type of tea has its own style of oxidation.” He lead Shion through the crowd of people bruising leaves and into a room that did indeed resemble the wilting room, only the leaves were at different stages of browning. “Black tea is fully oxidized,” Ny explained. “And green and pu-erh teas skip this step. Each type has its own unique process, even though it starts from the same plant. Just like people, I think,” he mused. “We all are born the same, but come out on the other side very differently. Born to different terriors, withered through different atmospheres, and bruised in different ways. But in the end, it’s all just tea and each person has their personal preference for what kind they enjoy. I like you, Shion. You’re bruised differently.”

Shion blinked, swallowing around a lump in his throat. “Yeah. I like you too.”

Ny squeezed his hand tightly and leaned in to kiss him quickly. “I’m glad. Wanna keep going?”

Shion nodded. “Please.”

They stepped through the next door into a wave of heat. “This is the fixing room,” Ny explained. “This is where we heat the leaves to preserve whatever color they have. It stops the oxidation process and is the second to last step.” He smiled. “People get fixed too. When faced with incredible heat, sometimes they stop oxidizing. But that doesn’t mean they’re done developing. There’s still work to be done.” He gestured to the back door. “The drying process.”

They walked through the room of furnaces to the door and stepped through. Pans of charcoal burned beneath pallets of leaves, open windows baked others. A variety of furnaces stood in corners, drawing the final bits of moisture from the leaves.

“See, there’s still water left, even after all of that.” Ny stepped through the room, inspecting each drying site. “White tea sun dries, see? Black tea goes in the furnace. There’s still room for change here, there’s still room for both perfection and error. Just because something’s been burned doesn’t mean it’s done cooking.”

Shion wanted to cry. “I’m so glad you took me here.” Doubt was raging through his mind, and he wasn’t sure how to react.

“I’m glad you wanted to come,” Ny said happily. “This is my favorite place on Earth.”

“I never knew it was so complicated and precise.” Shion looked around the room.

“The best things in life are often complicated.” Ny stepped closer, smiling gently. “Just like you.”

Shion pulled him close, feeling stable. Like he could support them both if he wanted to. He had a real decision to make. What was the healthiest option? Would closure really be as helpful as he’d always fantasized? Should he run away with Nezumi and his family, throwing away his life in No. 6 which he felt was oppressive and dull? Should he stay with Ny and make the traditional, monogamous choice to put his life together in the way his mother wanted for him? He wasn’t sure. Both options seemed amazing, and both options seemed terrifying.

“I want to be with you, Shion,” Ny said softly, reaching out to run his fingers through Shion’s hair. “For real.”

Tears sprung into Shion’s eyes as he struggled for a response. “I want that too, but…”

“But?” Ny’s brow furrowed.

Shion shook his head, voice giving out.

“What’s wrong?” Ny brushed the tears from beneath Shion’s eyes as they fell.

“You could be so wonderful,” Shion said weakly. “I could see loving you so much.”

Ny looked confused. “That’s… good? Thank you?”

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kill those soldiers. He needed to stay with Ny and make this life work, he had to somehow move on this way. It was best, right? It was best.

“I think I need to go do something,” Shion said tentatively, pulling away.

“What’s that?”

“I need to cancel an appointment.” Shion’s heart was in his throat. “I want to be with you.”

A slow smile spread across Ny’s face. “In that case, by all means. Go do what you have to.”

Relief. Like a weight Shion hadn’t even known was there was suddenly lifted from his shoulders. “Thank you for showing me this place.”

“Thank you for coming. I really enjoyed showing you around.” Ny smiled and took Shion’s hand. Where are you headed? I can drop you off if you want.”

Shion shook his head. “I need to go alone. I’ll see you tonight.”

Ny grinned. “Okay. I’ll just walk you to the road, then. Taking an auto?”

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

Back through the farm and to the road, Ny kissed him goodbye, long and lingering. “See ya,” he said softly.

Shion nodded, heart pounding fervently in his chest. “Yeah.” He climbed in the auto and entered the location. The driverless car shut the door automatically and began to take him off towards the forest. Just to the edge of town where the treeline began. Shion hoped he could find his way alone. He’d always had a fairly good sense of direction, so he figured he could make it.

He climbed out and stood facing the trees, all of his elation from being with Ny draining from him suddenly. He was about to say goodbye to Nezumi. Forever.

Sighing, he stepped past the treeline and began his hike. It wasn’t too long before the sounds of voices became audible through the foliage, and he broke through to the camp.

Everyone was naked. The adults, the children, the diaperless babies all ran around free of clothing like it was nothing. Like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Hey!” Smudge grinned and pointed. “I know you! Nez! It’s… uh… It’s your guy.” He jogged over to Shion happily. “Sorry, what’s your name?”

“Shion.” Nezumi appeared from inside his van. “What are you doing here?” He was equally as disrobed as the rest, the only cloth on his body wrapped in his hair.

Shion averted his eyes instinctively. “Um! Just… I forgot.”

“You forgot,” Nezumi repeated skeptically. “You came all the way out here and forgot.”

“I didn’t expect…” He could feel himself blushing.

“Yeah? I told you this would happen.” Nezumi frowned at him. “Alright, come on inside.” He gestured at the van and climbed back inside.

Shion dashed quickly after him, glad to get away. “Oh man,” he sighed, closing the door. “I really didn’t expect all that.”

Nezumi flopped down in bed, nodding. “Takes some getting used to.”

“Are you going to…?” Shion asked, looking away.

“What, get dressed?” Nezumi smirked. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Could you?” Exasperated and embarrassed, Shion avoided eye contact.

“I’m not going to conform to your odd cultural requirements just because you’re uncomfortable. This is my own house. Well, van.” He sat up, raising an eyebrow.

_ “My  _ odd cultural requirements? Don’t you think this is more odd?” Shion gestured helplessly.

“No. You’re the minority here. For once.” Nezumi crossed his arms. “So why are you here?”

Right. Shion’s shoulders compressed.

“Mm,” Nezumi hummed knowingly. “You don’t want to do it.”

“I can’t.” Shion sighed. “I can’t just leave my life.”

Nezumi was silent for a long while. “So, just to be clear, it’s the leaving part you have a problem with. Not the murder part.”

“You said it wasn’t murder because they’re not people,” Shion reminded him.

“You believed me?” Nezumi looked surprised. “Shit.”

“Don’t you kill people all the time?” Shion defended himself.

“Yeah, but you’ve always said people are people, you know? You’ve always been different.” Nezumi’s eyebrows drew together. “This is upsetting.”

“I told you I’ve changed,” Shion said sadly.

Nezumi shook his head slowly. “Yeah. Wow.”

“So I can’t help.” Shion got them back on track. “I need to stay with Ny.”

Nezumi nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He cocked his head slightly, a light coming to his eyes.

“What?” Shion asked suspiciously.

“I might know another way to shake the cobwebs from your brain.” A smile lit up his face.

Shion narrowed his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. If you’re not coming with me, Shion, maybe I can give you one really good day.” He stood, smile turning into a manic sort of grin. “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah,” Shion replied instantly.

“Good. Then let’s have lots of fun together. Okay?”

Shion nodded slowly, not sure what he meant but ready to try anything. “Okay.”


	10. Chapter 10

Sweet potatoes were roasting slowly, wrapped in tin foil and buried in cherry charcoal. Children poked at them with sticks, turning them over so they’d cook more evenly. Adults were milling about, doing laundry in buckets and making clothing on looms. It was fascinating. Shion sat watching them as he tried to adjust to the nudity of the place. Nezumi had insisted Shion do this before he explained the plan. They were going to have a “really fun day,” and Shion was to have no idea what that meant until he was used to his surroundings.

_ “Atsui janai ka?”  _ A little girl approached him.

“What?” Shion asked her, confused. The fact she’d just spoken a different language didn’t quite stick in his head.

_ “Atsui janai ka?”  _ she repeated.

“She’s asking if you’re hot,” Smudge translated. “Because you’re wearing clothes.”

“Oh.” Shion shook his head. “I’m fine.”

_ “Takusan kiru no,”  _ the little girl pouted, sticking out her hip.

“You’re wearing lots of clothes,” Smudge translated again.

_ “Shinaide!”  _ She waved at Smudge, annoyed.

“I have to!” Smudge explained to her. “He doesn’t speak that language.”

“I didn’t know you all spoke a different language,” Shion marvelled.

“It was the language used around the forest for years before No. 6,” Smudge said, smiling. “We try to keep it alive.”

“Does Nezumi speak that language?” Shion asked, stunned.

_ “Mochiron,”  _ Nezumi said, walking over. “Of course.”

_ “Kare wa mori go wo hanasanai yo!”  _ The little girl exclaimed to Nezumi.

“I know,” Nezumi nodded. “Most people don’t speak it.”

_ “Maji de?”  _ The girl looked skeptical.

“Really,” Nezumi confirmed. “Can you speak like him?”

“Yes.” She rolled her eyes. “I can talk.” She frowned at Shion. “You’re weird.”

“Weird is good though, right?” Nezumi prompted.

“Yeah.” The girl grinned. “It’s good.” She darted off after her friends without another word.

“Seems like you’re getting used to this place,” Nezumi commented, patting Shion on the back.

He nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Good. You ready to have a really fun day?” He held up a paper cup of what looked like water.

“Yeah.” Shion took the cup hesitantly. “Is this alcohol?”

Nezumi laughed. “No. Better. You won’t feel anything for a really long time, but then you’re going to have an amazing experience. Trust me.” He held up his own cup. “I’ll be right there with you.” He swirled the liquid in his cup. “It will help you get over your depression. It helped me be happy too. I owe my life to this lovely chemical. It helped me get over the person I was.”

If this liquid was the reason Nezumi was so changed, then Shion was all for it. “Okay. Now?”

Nezumi drained his in one gulp. “Now.”

Shion braced himself for a burn or an acrid chemical taste, but nothing was there. “It tastes like water.”

“It’s mostly water.” Nezumi nodded. “Water and LSD.”

Shion’s jaw dropped.  _ “What?!” _

“Don’t freak out now,” Nezumi warned. “Everything will be fine. Everything is perfectly wonderful.”

Shion shook his head slowly. “That’s serious drugs.”

“What did you think it was?” Nezumi cocked his head. “Alcohol is drugs too. Alcohol is worse for you. I thought you knew what we were doing.”

“When does it kick in?” Shion asked nervously, looking around himself like the world might already be shifting.

“Usually in around an hour.” Nezumi squinted at the sky. “It’s about 11:30 right now, yeah? So at around 12:30. Maybe 12:10.”

“Okay.” Shion shrunk in on himself. “I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be. It’s a great time.”

“It really is,” Smudge spoke up. “I still feel good from last night.”

_ That’s  _ what he was doing. “Oh, I remember.” He did look like he was having fun.

“Have a sweet potato.” Nezumi stabbed one with a poker stick and grabbed a plate. “They’re good.”

“Okay.” Shion felt like a bad person. What was he doing out here? Hanging out with this odd nudist colony and doing drugs while his boyfriend waited oblivious back home. “How long will it last?” He asked, wondering if he should call Ny to tell him when he’ll be home.

“Hmm… Six hours?” Nezumi thought about it.

Shion gaped. “Six hours? That’s so long!”

“You should probably stay here tonight.” Nezumi nodded. “Just in case.”

“In case what?” Shion asked, worried.

“In case it lasts longer. I tripped for twelve hours the first time.” He grinned. “It was great.”

“Twelve hours?!” Shion gasped. “That sounds-”

“Amazing.” Nezumi interrupted. “It was amazing. Trust me, you’ll want it to last forever. It’s an amazing feeling.”

“Okay…” Shion said doubtfully, unwrapping his sweet potato. He ate slowly in silence, paranoid about everything. Maybe he was already high, who knew? Not him. He’d never done anything like this before. When it kicked in, would he even know? He chewed on a fingernail anxiously as he waited.

But forty minutes later, there was no mistaking it. Shion looked up from the firepit to meet Nezumi’s eyes, where only a sliver of gray was visible around his blown pupils. “Oh,” Shion said, feeling funny. “Okay.” His anxiety lessened. He felt… odd.

Nezumi laughed. “I know.”

The world was beginning to quiver, colors looked bright and shifted musically. “I see…” Shion looked around himself, euphoria building in his stomach. He burst out laughing. “Oh! I get it!” Suddenly, he was happy. Happy like he hadn’t been in a very long time. He hid his face, hysterical.

“Right?!” Nezumi clapped him on the back. “Told you it would be good.”

The campsite looked  _ amazing.  _ Everything was so  _ home.  _ It all fit together in a very satisfying way. Like popping bubble wrap. Like smashing watermelons. “This is where you  _ live.”  _ Shion said, stunned. “You  _ live  _ here. With your children.”

Nezumi nodded knowingly. “It’s lovely.”

Lovely. That was the perfect word. “You’re so great,” Shion sighed. “I love you so much. I love everything.” He looked around himself. “I’m hallucinating.” He stared at the firepit, where the coals were morphing, emitting light that bent in fractal shapes.

“Me too.” Nezumi ran his fingers down his face, which was distorted strangely. Everything was swirling in every direction. “Bleh.”

_ Yes.  _ “Bleh is right. But in a good way.”

“In a great way.” Nezumi stood.

Shion gasped. “Standing!” He climbed slowly to his feet. “I forgot about that.”

Nezumi laughed. “You’re so great. I really care about you.”

Unexpectedly, Shion burst out crying. Instantly, Nezumi’s arms were around him. “I love you!” Shion sobbed.

“I love you too,” Nezumi replied.

“No, I love you love you,” Shion tried to explain.

“I love you too,” Nezumi said again.

“No, I love you love you,” Shion said, forgetting he had already said it.

“I love you too.”

“No, I love you love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I love…” Shion blinked. “What’s happening?”

“Everything.” Nezumi sighed deeply. “Everything.”

“What’s happening to me?” Shion looked at his hands, confusion eating his every neuron. His hands looked wrong. They moved strangely. He could bend them. He was fascinated by the patterns of lines on his palms. “What’s happening to me?”

“Only what’s supposed to happen,” Nezumi assured. “You’re fine. It’s wonderful.” He held Shion close. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Shion gazed transfixed at Nezumi’s expression. “You’re beautiful.”

“Ready for change?” Nezumi asked.

“Change?” Shion struggled to remember what that word meant. When it struck him, he laughed. “Change.”

“Let’s walk over there. Where the lights are.” Nezumi pointed and it was like a whole new world opened up.

“Yes!” Shion exclaimed. “Lights are so important.”

“That’s right.” Nezumi took his hand and lead him over to the string lights, which glowed and swirled with changing colors. “See?”

Shion was crying again. “It’s beautiful!”

“You’re beautiful.” Nezumi kissed him gently on the cheek.

Shion lit up. “I want to take my clothes off.”

Nezumi grinned. “Oh,  _ that’s  _ an experience. Yes.”

Slowly, crying still, Shion peeled off his clothing and lost them instantly to the cosmic wind. Oh well. Looked like he was going to be naked for a long time, then. Stunned at the sensation, he laid down in the dirt and stared up at the sky. The clouds drifted by, pink and yellow and blue. Slowly, Shion shut his eyes, which might have been a mistake.

He stopped being able to tell himself from his surroundings. Really, what was the difference between the atoms that made up his body and the atoms that made up the dirt he lay on? Truly, he was just a piece of the universe clinging tight to other pieces of the universe, and who knew what the universe was all about anyway? Shion understood nothing.

Soon, even his own name was lost to him. He breathed on instinct alone, and the universe charged on around him. He felt Zen.

“I forgot my name.”

“Me too.”

Oh yeah, there was something with him. A person, it seemed. Shion wasn’t entirely sure what a person was, but he knew it meant love.

“So many years ago. That’s why I go by Nezumi. I forgot my real name.”

Shion opened his eyes and was born for the first time into this world. “I’m a baby.”

“Yeah.”

“My brain is a baby. All my neural pathways are shook up and new again.” He marvelled at the sky, seeing it for the first time. “Wow.”

“Wow.”

“Am I okay?” Shion asked nervously. “What’s happening?”

“You’re wonderful. Everything is exactly where it needs to be.” Nezumi took his hand.

Shion relaxed at his words. “Okay.” He frowned and sat up. “I wanna touch you.”

“Okay.” Nezumi sat up too. “Go ahead.”

Carefully, Shion ran his finger across Nezumi’s cheek. His skin swirled mesmerizingly. “Wow.”

“Do you see why I love it here?” Nezumi asked.

“Yes,” Shion breathed. “It’s beautiful.” He ran his fingers down Nezumi’s chest.

Nezumi closed his eyes. “I want you to come with me, Shion. I want you with us.”

“I want that too.” He did. He really wanted this to last forever. He placed his hand on Nezumi’s stomach.

“But you have to make the decision that’s best for you, I understand.”

Shion curled up next to Nezumi tightly, enjoying the feeling of flesh on flesh. “I’m still in love with you,” he confessed.

“Yeah. Me too.” Nezumi looked sad. “So it’s going to hurt to leave you.”

Shion’s eyes prickled with tears as he nodded. “Yeah.” He ran his hand up and down Nezumi’s arm, the strange tug of friction fascinating him. “I wanna crawl inside your skin.”

Nezumi hummed thoughtfully. “That we can do.”

“...What?” Shion didn’t understand. Then again, he didn’t understand much of anything so maybe it  _ was  _ possible.

“Want me to touch you back? Want me to make you feel really good?”

Shion didn’t understand. “...What? Yeah, what do you mean?”

“Come on. Time for change.” Nezumi stood, pulling Shion up with him. “Let’s go inside.”

Shion blinked slowly, words taking far too long to settle in his brain as time stretched out to infinity. “Oh...kay? I know what infinity feels like.”

“I know you do. Come on, let’s go.” He pulled Shion along behind him into the van, where the world was suddenly more quiet.

“It’s nice in here,” Shion sighed, flopping down on the bed and curling up in the blankets. “I don’t think I can sleep.”

“I highly doubt you can sleep.” Nezumi laughed, laying down next to him. “Not for a good long while.”

“Why?” Shion asked, concerned.

“The drugs will keep you awake. You’re fine, everything’s wonderful. Just trust me, I’ll take care of you.” His voice was soothing, and Shion  _ did  _ trust him. Implicitly.

“Okay.” Shion shut his eyes and let himself melt into the bed. It was crazy behind his eyes. Everything was so… so much. “What’re we doin’?” He felt his voice slip away as his brain fell sideways.

“We’re gonna feel really good together. Okay?” Nezumi’s voice was so cadent and wonderful. Shion would have listened to anything he said.

“Mkay. I don’t und… understand… anything.” The seams of reality were tearing apart. He was hitting the very peak.

“I know you don’t. It’s okay. It’s all okay. Just relax. I want to do this for you.” Warm touch like nothing else Shion had ever felt consumed his senses.

“‘M I okay?” Shion asked, not sure at all. “Is this… is this… I’m not sure of… anything.”

“I know. I know, and that’s a very good thing. I love you, okay? Just relax and let me love you.” The world dipped and Nezumi lay down next to him.

“Okay,” Shion agreed, not at all sure what he was agreeing to, but trusting that Nezumi knew what was right. “Okay.”

 


	11. Chapter 11

Nothing made sense. Everything in the universe was too abstract, absurd, and metaphorical. Shion laid flat on his back, gasping up at the ceiling of the van as his mind spun out further than he could reach.

“I hope I didn’t give you more than you can handle.” A voice floated down from on high.

Shion barely heard the words, he was too wrapped up in insanity. “There’s not…” He didn’t have an end to that sentence. He could feel himself hyperventilating. A dark cloud loomed over his head, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“Shh, don’t try to talk. Don’t try to think. Just let me help you.” Hands were in his hair and down his chest and over his stomach which felt cold and clammy.

“Am I…?” Shion couldn’t figure out what was happening. “My head feels funny.”

“I know. I know. It’s all going to be alright. Nothing bad can happen to you, everything is sunshine and roses and don’t worry about a thing because you’re safe in my hands.” The world shifted as Nezumi helped him sit up. “I’ll take care of you. Always.”

Everything shut down. The world was too dark and Shion couldn’t take it. He spun out, images of death and destruction flashing before his eyes. He felt himself burning in that furnace. How close had they been? Inches. Inches from death. He could feel the fire crawling up his skin. He could feel the wasp venom poisoning his mind. It felt like his brain was boiling, like his eyes were melting. He cried out helplessly, not sure what to do to save himself. Terror unlike anything he’d ever experienced forced his brain into submission.

“I can’t stop it from happening. Death is inevitable.” He choked on his own breath, his lungs betraying him.

“You’re right. You can’t stop it.”

“We almost died. I shouldn’t be alive. I did so many stupid things. I was so stupid and childish and weak.” His stomach contracted painfully.

“Yeah. We were.”

“And there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

“You’re right. The past is the past.”

Shion moaned pathetically, feeling sick. “I wish I’d never…”

“What, saved me?”

“No!” Shion opened his eyes, realizing he’d had them closed. “I’m glad I saved you.”

“Then, what? You regret surviving?”

“No!” Shion wasn’t sure what he regretted, actually. “I regret…”

“Blowing up the wall?”

“No.”

“Fixing the city?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

Shion thought about it. “I don’t know.”

“What you regret is the person those events turned you into. Not the events themselves. That’s good. That means you only want to change your present, not your past.”

Shion nodded, the realization of that striking him profoundly. “Yeah.”

“Good. You feel better?”

“Not really.” So he wasn’t afraid of the past, he was afraid of himself. And that’s the one thing he couldn’t escape. “I feel pretty nauseous.”

“Panic attacks will do that.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s what this is.” He nodded, feeling stupid. “My brain went sideways.”

“You’re spun.”

“Am I?” Shion blinked, trying to focus. The dim light through the window made dust motes glimmer and swirl geometrically. “I can’t…” The patterns on the tie dyed wall hangings shifted, colors changing and growing. “Stay focussed…”

“Let me try something.”

Shion barely heard him he was so wrapped up in the feeling of everything. Then, feeling intensified. Beautifully. Like bathing his bones in oxytocin. Shion cried out, confused beyond belief.

“There you go.”

Shion wanted to know what was causing this, but his mind was spinning out again, and his eyes fell shut. He tumbled into oblivion, where there was only feeling and geometry. His body felt amazing.

“You like that?”

“Mm?” Like what? Shion liked everything. “I… I…”

“I want you to have such a good time.” Nezumi’s voice sounded strained. “I want you to feel good. Let me help you feel good, huh?”

Shion couldn’t answer. He lost track of his tongue. In fact, he seemed to have too many. There was warm pressure against his lips and he couldn’t speak.

“I can last so long on Lucy. We can stay here all night.”

Shion only then realized he was laying down in bed. “Are we…?” He wasn’t sure what was happening. Something good was filling him up from the inside, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what it could be.

“Not yet, just getting ready. Open your eyes, things will make more sense.”

Shion couldn’t figure out how. He spun back into panic. “Help me…” He was shaking violently. Thankfully, a pressure rested on top of him and a voice found his ear.

“Shh, calm down.” Nezumi moaned and it shook the universe. “You make me feel so good.”

“I don’t know what’s happening.”

“That’s okay. I can take care of everything.”

Shion felt himself being opened, and he wasn’t entirely sure it was just a hallucination. Eyes still closed because he forgot how to open them, he whimpered pathetically as his body began to glow with a feeling he couldn’t place. It was familiar, but strange. “Am I dying?”

“Only your ego,” came Nezumi’s reply. “Open your eyes.”

Shion did, only to find himself in a tangle of limbs and sex. “Whaa…?” He struggled to piece together how this might have happened, and came up short. “Why…?”

“Because I love you  _ so much,”  _ Nezumi said, his cheeks flushed pink.

Something jolted inside, releasing hormones and the best feeling imaginable. Shion forgot what they were doing, focussing instead on this strange and wonderful feeling. “Aa _ ahh!” _

“Mm, good,” Nezumi said tightly. “Let me hear you.”

The feeling only seemed to build higher and higher. Like a spiral staircase that went up and up into eternity. Shion lived another infinity of this feeling growing, and his entire body began to shake.

_ “Fuck!” _

Shion couldn’t tell if that exclamation was good or bad, but he didn’t want anything to do with it either way. He just wanted to keep climbing this staircase.

His brain short-circuited. Something electric deep inside his neural network flashed wrong and the shaking intensified. As did the amazing feeling.

Both sensations reached their peak simultaneously, and Shion felt his body contract oddly as blinding white light scorched his eyes. Hormones flooded his bloodstream, and he cried out in overwhelmed confusion as his muscles spasmed against his will.

“Oh shit. Sorry. You’re just gonna have to wait this out.”

Wait what out? Shion wasn’t sure what was happening to him. He felt good all over, but he wasn’t in control of his body.

“You’ll be fine, you’re just having a seizure.”

That didn’t  _ sound  _ fine. It sounded dangerous. He panicked, spinning back out into absurdity. The world around him made no sense, and doom rattled through his bones. He couldn’t even gain control of his voice to cry out for help.

Then, as soon as it began it was over. “What was…?” He gasped for breath as things began to make more sense.

“I guess Lucy plus orgasm equals seizure for you. We’ll be more careful if we ever do this again. But goddamn can you ever come. Some people can’t when they’re high. We’re two of the lucky few, it seems.”

Shion slowly regained his breath, beginning to understand what had happened to him. “What time is it?” How long until this was over?

“Umm… about 1:30. It’s been an hour since it hit. I’m still peaked. You?”

Shion nodded, figuring out what that meant by context. “Did we just have sex?”

“Yeah. Just sorta happened.”

“Okay.” Shion couldn’t quite deal with that information in his current state, so he shoved it away for later. “I feel better.” He did. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, a dark cloud cleared from his mind.

“Great. Let’s talk about your PTSD.” Nezumi laid down in bed next to him with a sigh.

“I don’t want to,” Shion groaned, hiding his face.

“Yeah, but that’s what we’re doing this for. That’s what this whole thing is about.” Nezumi took his hand, playing with Shion’s pale fingers gently.

Shion wanted to close his eyes, but didn’t, knowing he’d only spiral back out. Sighing, he resigned himself to talking about it. “I’m dealing with a lot of guilt. For surviving. You know, when she didn’t. When so many people didn’t. And I wonder if we had done things differently, could it have turned out better? But more than that I think it’s the lack of control I feel. Although really, I don’t think anyone has control over their destiny. In order to be truly responsible, you have to have control over the conditions into which you were born. I didn’t. You didn’t. So we didn’t really get to chose the people we turned into. It’s sheer luck we’re alive, and it’s sheer misfortune we’re in the situations we are. But I feel bad about complaining because I know others had it worse. You had it worse than me, and here I am whining to you. And everything’s really… really wow right now, I’m seeing stars. I feel concussed. I feel like nothing’s ever going to be alright again. I want to follow you, but I don’t know if I can leave this prison I’ve made. It’s almost like Stockholm syndrome, I want to stay in this cage I’ve built. But my captor is myself, so there’s no one to fight even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I don’t think killing the soldiers will help me in terms of closure, but I think I’d like to kill them for the sake of the violence. I’d love to choose to live in violence just like you, but I don’t know if I should. I don’t mean to say you’ve made the wrong choices, obviously you’re more well-adjusted than me and we could debate the morality of what you do all day if we wanted to, but I don’t want to. Because it’s none of my business. You’re none of my business. I think maybe I need to stay with Ny just because that’s what I was meant to do. That’s the destiny I was born to, even if it isn’t the destiny I would prefer. Maybe I should learn to embrace my nightmares as the thing that breaks up the monotony. Embrace the chaos inside my mind as I embrace the lack of any chaos in the world outside me. In that way, the two of us are opposites. I’m tumultuous inside while living in a peaceful world, and your world is anything but peaceful but you seem to be alright inside your own head. Isn’t that interesting? Maybe that’s how things should be. Maybe I should stay with Ny.”

Nezumi stayed silent, staring up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Shion sat up, looking down at him.

Nezumi nodded, wiping his eyes. “I guess it just now hit me that you’re not coming with me.”

“You really are high if you’re crying,” Shion pointed out.

“Yeah.” He pushed himself up shakily, staring off somewhere in the distance. “I hope Ny is good to you.”

“He’s kind.”

“That’s the most important thing.” Nezumi shoved his hair out of his face and blinked rapidly to clear the tears from his eyes. “I’m not.”

“You are now.”

Nezumi shook his head. “No I’m not. Not really. I fake niceness, but it doesn’t follow through with my actions. I mean, I’m a murderer. I leave my daughter and my family on a regular basis to go kill people. I run wild in the forest doing too many drugs and hiding from responsibility. I’m not a good person.”

Shion fell silent, thinking about that.

“It’s hard for me to believe you love me. It’s hard to believe anyone does. I have this whole group of people, we all fuck each other and are supposedly together. I don’t know. It just never felt the same. Never felt quite right. I loved you, more than anyone. I wanted you with me because then maybe then this might stop feeling like such a lie. But you found someone  _ kind  _ and so much better than me. You  _ should  _ love him. I love you so genuinely that I want that for you. I want you to be with him.”

Shion leaned in and hugged him tightly. Nezumi hugged him back and they sat there like that for a long while, thinking and feeling. “I’m glad we did this,” Shion said eventually, pulling away. “Today. All of it. I feel better.”

“I’m glad.” Nezumi checked the time. “Want me to take you to the PTSD clinic tonight? I think you should go.”

“Will I be normal again?” Shion looked at his hands, watching the way they swirled.

“You should be. You’ll probably be a bit… interesting to talk to, but you should be good to go.”

Shion wasn’t sure what that meant, but he nodded. “Are you going to kill them?”

Nezumi looked away. “They killed my family.”

“Okay.” Shion stared at his hands again. “I understand.”

He did understand. Truly. What was the wrong decision for him may well be the right decision for Nezumi. He didn’t want to fight. Not now. Not when things were so… unstable. Instead, they lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, marveling at everything while holding hands. It was a good moment. It wouldn’t last forever, but just for a second everything was alright.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Things felt calm that evening at the clinic. Shion’s head was still spinning a bit, but otherwise he felt pretty normal. Maybe even better than normal, he felt okay. Exhausted but smiling, he made his way to the group and took a seat.

“You look happy,” one of the guys said.

Shion nodded. “I’m having a good day.” He really was. His brain felt melted, but he was at peace. “What have you been up to since last week?” He smiled at the soldier.

“Um, the usual. Work. Kids. Wife.”

“That’s awesome.” Shion’s smile widened. “That’s the whole shebang right there.”

The soldier slowly smiled back. “Yeah. Guess it is. How about you? Family?”

“No, not yet. Still time, though yeah? I’m only 20. I still count my mom as my family, I guess.” He laughed lightly. “My week was  _ crazy.  _ Did a lot of… hiking.”

“It’s a great way to stay in shape,” the soldier commented lightly.

“Oh yeah, for sure. There’s a guy at my work who kayaks a lot. Never understood it until now. Good for him. Doing stuff.” That’s when Shion realized he was probably still messed up. He wasn’t hallucinating anymore, but there was definitely something… off. He was happy, he was talking, and he understood kayak guy on a deep level.

“Kayaking is fun. I used to do it a lot when I was younger. Before the wall went up.” He grinned. “You’re young, man. You should definitely get into all the outdoor stuff while you’re still strong.”

“I have a friend who goes camping all the time. He’s a strange guy, but I like him.” Shion’s smile faded slowly from his face as he remembered what could possibly be happening that night. “Do… do you drink coffee?”

“Ah, not usually,” the soldier replied. “I do when I’m here, but I get arrhythmias, so my wife doesn’t like me to.”

“It’s not good for you, for sure,” Shion agreed anxiously. “I don’t drink it. You should listen to your wife.”

The soldier shrugged. “Yeah, probably.”

That’s when it occurred to Shion that he was definitely being videotaped. He scanned the room, searching for the tiny, robot mouse. “You know the book Goodnight Moon?” Shion spoke up, addressing the invisible mice. “That’s what life is like.”

“Huh?”

“Searching for mice in the background of everything, never able to go to sleep because there’s always something else to say goodnight to, ya know? Always something left to worry about.” He chewed on his lower lip, still searching.

“I… I guess?” The soldier didn’t seem to get it. “Are you searching for mice?”

“Nope.” Shion cocked his head, trying to suppress laughter. “It’s a metaphor.”

“Oh. Oh! For bombs and stuff?”

Shion nodded, totally feeling that. “Yeah. Mice can be bombs.” He wondered if Nezumi was listening to him.

“Alright let’s get started.” The therapist clapped his hands and looked around the room. “Who wants to go first?”

Shion raised his hand. “I do.”

The therapist looked surprised. “Great. Go ahead.”

“This week I did a lot of… meditation. I learned a lot, I think. Most importantly that you can’t always control the way your mind works. You can’t control what’s happening inside your head, but you can choose what goes on outside of it. You can make your own decisions, decide who you want to spend time with, and what happens when you’re with them. You can choose…”

That’s when it hit him.

“Oh.” Shion fell silent while everyone stared at him in concern. “I learned sometimes people choose for you, when you can’t choose for yourself. Sometimes they make the wrong choice.” He felt a little queasy. “Does that make it wrong? If I couldn’t choose? Does that make him wrong?” He was voicing his thoughts aloud, but his still scrambled brain didn’t quite process that. He kept talking. “Were you just as lost in your own head as me, or did you know what you were doing? If you did… are you listening? Oh no. Are you actually a bad person? Did I… Was I just…? I don’t know how to feel about this.” He stared at the floor, stunned. “I think I should go home.”

The therapist hummed. “Why don’t you step aside with me for a second?”

Shion nodded dully, standing to follow as the therapist walked into an adjacent hallway.

“I’m going to ask you a question, and know that you can answer me honestly,” he said once they were out of earshot. “Doctor patient confidentiality applies to us. Okay?”

Shion nodded.

“Have you taken recreational drugs?”

Shion’s eyes widened, and he clenched his jaw tight as anxiety shot up through his core. “No.”

“It’s just that your pupils are dilated and you’re speaking strangely.” The therapist looked at him skeptically.

Shion hesitated, then nodded. “Am I in trouble?”

“No.” Relief. “You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions. Just know there’s help available at this hospital if you want it.”

Shion shook his head. “This is the first time, I don’t think I’ll ever again… I didn’t really know what I was getting into.”

“I have a follow up question,” the therapist said, folding his hands. “Were you sexualy assaulted while under the influence?”

“No!” Shion responded automatically. “I wasn’t… he didn’t… it wasn’t like that.” Was it?

“Okay. Just know that the time to collect evidence is now. If you wait more than 24 hours we’ll have no way to press charges.” He looked at Shion seriously.

It was ridiculous. “I’m fine. We just…” He gestured vaguely, unable to finish his sentence.

“Why don’t you stay after and tell me the whole story?”

Shion looked around for mice. “I… can’t. Tell the story.” They were watching him. For sure this time, it wasn’t just paranoia. “Nothing happened. We were fine.”

The therapist stared at him for a long moment in silence before he spoke. “I think you should seriously consider-” he broke off, a strange look coming over his face. He cleared his throat. “Excuse me. I think you should cons-” He turned away to cough violently.

From around the corner, Shion could hear the coughing fits of the soldiers, loud choking sounds that shook him to the core. “So soon?” He whispered. “Why did you have me come here tonight?” Shion dashed back into the therapy room, where doctors were frantically trying to help the dying soldiers.

Shion watched as they collapsed one by one, their lips turning blue and their fingers turning pink. They were rushed away on gurneys, but nobody knew what was wrong.

It was then that Shion realized he could help. The only thing was, he didn’t want to. Maybe it was the acid dissolving in his blood, or maybe it was the desensitization due to years of trauma and nightmares, but he stayed silent and watched with wide open eyes as everything happened around him.

“Why am I here? Why did you bring me here?” His ears were ringing as he felt himself tumble over the edge back into the void. “Why do I need to see this?”

Hands attached themselves to his body and eased him into a wheelchair, taking him off somewhere he wasn’t sure of.

“Wait…” He muttered softly, unable to bring his voice above a whisper. “I’m fine.” He was being inspected, poked, and prodded. Someone shined a bright light in his eyes. “I’m fine.” He  _ was  _ fine. Not only was he the only one who hadn’t been poisoned, he was feeling better than he had in months. Maybe years.

“It’s closure.” A voice shook through his bones, clearly audible only to him as the doctors and nurses paid no mind. “You need to be here for the closure. To see the final piece of the wall torn down. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed you tried to warn that guy, but whatever. You’re still fucked up and that’s my fault so I forgive you.”

“Whaa…?” Shion looked around for mice, finding none.

“It’s a bone conducting transmitter,” Nezumi explained. “Sending vibrational frequencies through your occipital ridge straight to your cochlea. Only you can hear me.”

“You chipped me?” Shion felt around on the back of his head, trying to find the transmitter.

A doctor restrained his hands. “Calm down, we’re going to figure this out.”

“Yeah,” Nezumi said casually. “I guess you didn’t notice. I wanted to coach you through this. You think I’m gonna send you off into a mass murder tripping balls without a trip sitter? I’m here to help. Hence the chip. We’re gone, by the way. All of us. I probably won’t see you again for a really long time. Anyway, look around. See everyone collapsing? This is a much kinder death than they gave my family. Quicker. Less painful. Cyanide. See the pink color of their fingers? Do you know scientifically why that happens?”

Shion nodded, blinking through the fog to remember. “The cyanide attaches to the hemoglobin in place of oxygen, asphyxiating without raising carbon dioxide levels.”

“Good boy,” Nezumi praised. “That’s correct.”

“Cyanide?” one of the doctors said. “Why do you think that? Do you know something?”

Shion shook his head, searching for a cover. “It’s a guess. It could also be carbon monoxide or helium, but since they’re the only ones affected-”

“You’re right. I missed the fingers.” The doctor dashed off, looking frantic. “Check for cyanide poisoning!”

“Too late anyway,” the voice in his head said. “They’re already too far gone.”

Something neither good nor bad twisted in Shion’s gut. “I need to go home,” he whispered, watching the final death rattles of the soldiers around him as closure from the past struck him like lightning. A realization hit him. “I miss Ny.”

“Ouch. I’m right here.”

“Shut up.” Shion felt around on the back of his head. “Where’s the chip?”

“Don’t just shut me out, it’s rude.”

“You do things without my permission!” Shion gave up looking and stormed off towards the door, needing to be home. “I’ll get Ny to find it.”

“Shion.”

“What?” He stopped in front of the elevator, annoyed.

“You just watched an entire room of people die. You’re not gonna freak out or something?”

Shion hesitated, thinking about it. “I guess not. That’s war.”

“The war is over. That was murder.”

“The war is never over.” His stomach clenched. “It only ever comes to brief respite.”

“What’s that from?”

“Nothing. It’s my own observation.” The elevator dinged and the door slid open. “Should I freak out?”

“It would make me feel better if you did.”

“Then I won’t.”

“Wow. You’re mean today.”

Shion smiled lightly. “I’m going home. Where are you?”

“I’m home too. Just currently driving it.”

Nostalgia brimmed in Shion’s eyes briefly before he blinked it away and smiled. “Is there really a chip?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you left me without saying goodbye.” The elevator opened up at the ground floor. “I’m gonna be paranoid forever though, I think. That maybe you actually did put a chip in my head.”

“At least you can stop looking for mice.”

“Yeah.” He called an auto, which pulled up not ten seconds later. “How long will you stay talking to me?”

“Well, the drugs are wearing off, and the closure’s kicking in. It’ll shut off soon.”

Shion climbed into the auto and shut the door. “Did you just leave and I’m crazy, or did you really chip me?” he asked again.

“You’re not gonna believe me either way.”

Shion sighed, covering his face as the auto sped off towards his house. “I think I need to cry about this.”

“Go for it.”

His body shook violently, and a sob rushed through his lungs. “Will you sing for me?”

“Sure.”

Shion leaned over the dashboard, listening carefully as soundwaves that may or may not be real rattled through his head.

 

_ “Sora ni mitte, iro-iro iro _ _   
_ _ Kimochi ga ii dou-dou dou _

_ Yatte iku niwa niwa _

_ Heiwa no kokoro tokoro da” _

 

Look at the sky, all the various colors

I finally feel alright

How do you get to the garden where

My heart is at peace.

 

_ “Moshi uso shita oshienaide _

_ Shiritakunai _

_ Moshi shitsu wa hontou mo dame _

_ Aishiteiru yametai” _

 

If you’re lying, please don’t tell me

I don’t want to know

Even if it’s true, don’t tell me

I want to stop being in love.

 

_ “Mukashi mukashi watashi tachi wa _

_ Ureshii toki ni issho ni samayotta _

_ Mukashi mukashi jibun dake wa _

_ Zenbu muri kedo takusan shita _

_ Mukashi mukashi.” _

 

Once upon a time the two of us

Were happy and wandered together

Once upon a time I was alone

And everything was impossible but I did it anyway

Once upon a time.

 

By the time the song was over, he had arrived at home. Ny was sitting on the porch, folding tea bags. He stood and waved when Shion got out of the car, then his face fell. “Are you okay?”

Shion stood, looking out at the nice lawn, the perfect corners of their shared house, and the caring boy that tied it all together. It was pristine, and he couldn’t believe he’d ever hated it. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks and Ny dashed forwards to take his hands.

“What happened?”

“Time to say goodbye, Shion,” Nezumi said.

Overwhelmed, Shion stared blankly ahead of himself. “I… Will I see you again?”

“Huh?” Ny frowned.

“Do you want to?” Nezumi asked lightly.

The answer slowly settled in Shion’s chest. “No, I don’t.”

“Alright, then.”

“What’s happening?” Ny asked, concerned.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

There was a beep, and the chip went silent.

“Goodbye?” Ny asked, looking confused. “Shion, what-”

“Will you see if you can find a chip implanted on the back of my head?” Shion asked earnestly. “I need to know.”

Ny looked like he’d been slapped across the face. “You’re gonna have to go slow and explain this to me.”

Shion nodded. “Inside. Let’s… let’s… I wanna be with you too.”

Slowly, Ny smiled. “Okay. Good. Good! Okay, let’s go inside then. Let’s figure this out.”

Shion nodded, a flicker of happiness alighting in his chest. “Okay. Let’s do.”


	13. Epilogue

Progress is good. Consistency and reliability is good. Shion finally understood this as he sat with Ny on the sofa in their shared apartment, one year later.

The news was showing pictures of the PTSD clinic, which had not regrouped since the murders. “It’s the anniversary of the Hospital Massacre, and people are paying their respects by laying flowers outside the hospital gates. Truly a sad day for No. 6, and one that will be remembered forever.”

“Do you want to turn it off?” Ny asked nervously, hand hovering over the remote.

Shion shook his head. “I’m fine.” He watched as familiar faces scrolled across the screen, identifying each of the dead soldiers. “I just think it’s a bit pointless to commemorate stuff like this.”

“What, terrorist attacks?”

“Yeah.” In the year since the massacre, Shion had come to accept that that’s what Nezumi really was. Not a revolutionary, not a freedom fighter, just a terrorist. So was Shion, if you really thought about it. He’d certainly been an accomplice in two major attacks on the city. “I think he likes it.”

“Nezumi?”

“Yeah. I think he likes the attention, and I don’t think we should give it to him.” As he said it, Nezumi’s photograph was displayed on the screen, an image captured by drones somewhere out in the forest where he was still hiding. His hair was tangled where it hung down his back, his cheeks were gaunt, and his eyes looked bruised underneath from lack of sleep. He was aiming a gun at the drone photographing him.

“Five more deaths since last year have been attributed to the man responsible for the Hospital Massacre, several politicians from around the world, including the prime minister of No. 2. Currently, his whereabouts are unknown.”

“That could have been my life,” Shion said, a chill running down his spine. “I could have gone with him.”

Ny stayed silent, simply taking Shion’s hand and scooting a bit closer.

The horrible thing was, he didn’t hate the idea. Running from predator drones and every government on Earth, struggling for survival out in the wilderness. Looking that crazed, that broken. He could picture it, and it didn’t repulse him.

But the thing he needed to remember was that he loved his life with Ny even more than he fetishized the life he could have had with Nezumi.

“I love you,” Shion said, laying his head down on Ny’s shoulder.

“I love you too.”

The TV continued to display photographs of the dead, interspersed with glimpses of Nezumi’s camp. He seemed to be alone in most of them, and destitute in the more recent ones. Whatever had happened to his family, they weren’t with him anymore. Maybe it had gotten too dangerous for them, and they’d been forced to leave. Maybe they’d disowned him. Wherever they were, they had fallen off the map. They were no longer considered people of interest to the government, at Shion’s insistence. So long as they weren’t caught associating with him again, they’d be safe from the drones. It had been a risky political strategy, but Shion felt it was worth it to keep them safe, even if it meant forcibly separating Nezumi from his family.

“Breaking news, a video message from Nezumi to the people of No. 6 has been received by the news station. We’ll be playing it now.”

Shion sat up taller in his seat.

“People of No. 6,” Nezumi spoke. He was dimly lit in what was clearly his van, looking emaciated and weak. “On the anniversary of the massacre I wanted to send you a message. You’ve now taken my family from me twice. You’ve brought me to the brink of death on so many occasions, and I applaud you for that. It takes real skill to touch me, and you’ve managed to slap me across the face. Good job and *bleep* you.”

Shion smiled weakly, not sure how he should feel about this. “He’s such a dick,” he said, amazed.

“Yeah,” Ny said, eyes fixed on the screen.

“I’m now coming for the person who separated my family from me. Heighten his security if you want, it doesn’t matter.”

Shion cocked his head, smiling wider. “Is he talking about me?”

Sure enough, Nezumi held up a photograph. It must have been from the day they did drugs, because Shion didn’t remember taking that picture, and the expression on his face with his blow pupils was insane. “I’ll find you. And I won’t be so generous with your life this time.” The picture cut out.

Shion laughed. “He’s not gonna kill me.” He muted the news.

“Really? You think?” Ny looked terrified. All the color had drained from his face.

“Yeah, he warned them to give me more security, he wouldn’t do that if he wanted to kill me.” Shion leaned back in his seat, completely confident. “He’s just doing this to mess with me.”

Ny looked at him oddly.

“What?” Shion frowned.

“You’ve gotten so much better. I’m proud of you.” He smiled. “This would have driven you crazy a year ago.”

“You’re right.” Shion hummed. “I guess I am better.”

Truly, his life wasn’t nearly so miserable as it had been. Whether it was the closure, the psychedelics, or Ny, he wasn’t sure. But somehow, he’d gotten his mind back together into at least some semblance of normalcy. He certainly wasn’t the person he used to be, but that wasn’t such a very bad thing after all. He’d grown up. He’d moved on. Time was his friend again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, y'all!


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